Welcome to (any company using voice mail). Your call is very important to us. Listen to your options carefully:

PRESS 1 – for English.

PRESS 2 – por Espanol.

PRESS 3 – for any other language except French, Greek, Dutch, Italian, German, Chinese, Portuguese, Korean, Japanese, and Ebonics.

PRESS 4 – if you detest Voice Mail.

Thank you. While we’re processing your request we’ll now play some incredibly boring music repetitively that has been proven to drive away most adults.

PRESS 1 – if you are a glutton for punishment and want to continue waiting.

PRESS 2 – if you would like to call back and be bored to death another time.

PRESS 3 – if you would like to change language options.

PRESS 4 – if you detest Voice Mail.

Please note, for Quality Assurance purposes some of our calls may be monitored. In reality though, we couldn’t care less.

PRESS 1 – to enter your nine digit social security number.

PRESS 2 – to enter your account number which we will lose after you have entered it.

PRESS 3 – to enter the winning Lotto number for tonight’s drawing.

PRESS 4 – to enter the number of angels that can dance on the head of a pin.

For a Customer Service agent:

PRESS 1 – to speak to “Bob” in India.

PRESS 2 – to speak to “Bob” in Baghdad.

PRESS 3 – to speak to “Bob” in Pakistan.

PRESS 4 – to speak to “Bob” in the United States. Sorry, just kidding.

Thank you for your patience. All of our agents are currently busy with other customers at this time. Please stay on the line and the next available agent will take your call in the order it was received, which happens to be backwards. While you’re waiting, take your telephone outside to your front yard, jump up and down, wave your arms madly, and scream like a chicken as it will be a better use of your time than waiting for us to do anything on the phone.

Keep the Faith!

Note: All trademarks both marked and unmarked belong to their respective companies.

Tim Bryce is a writer and the Managing Director of M. Bryce & Associates (MBA) of Palm Harbor, Florida and has over 30 years of experience in the management consulting field. He can be reached at timb001@phmainstreet.com

For Tim’s columns, see:
http://www.phmainstreet.com/timbryce.htm

Tune into Tim’s THE BRYCE IS RIGHT! podcast Mondays-Fridays, 11:30am (Eastern).

Copyright © 2010 by Tim Bryce. All rights reserved.