Category Archives: humor
MY “CROWNING” ACHIEVEMENT
BRYCE ON DENTISTS
- Why my visit to the dentist was like digging the English Chunnel.
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Aside from a few fillings when I was young, I have been blessed with some rather good teeth. Year-in and year-out I’ve dutifully visited my dentist for cleanings and have kept them in good shape. On a recent visit though, my dental hygienist found I had broken a back molar thereby requiring a crown. To dentists, this is like hitting pay-dirt as I discovered crowns can be an expensive proposition. It’s not uncommon to pay in excess of $1,000 for a crown. Fortunately, I was covered by dental insurance, which brought the out-of-pocket expense down considerably, but I was mindful how expensive the procedure can be. Many years ago, it wasn’t too expensive, but inflation and the technology of the 21st century changed all that.
On the day I arrived for my procedure, the dental assistants began with a battery of preparations before allowing the dentist to work on me. I was asked to bite down on a big wad of Silly Putty in order to make an impression of my teeth. Whatever it was, it actually tasted like the famous polymer I played with years ago. As I bit into it, the suction of the putty was so strong that it seemed it was extracting every filling in my mouth. When they pulled the final impression out, I was relieved to see none of the fillings were attached.
Next, they used a long cotton swab to apply Novocaine to deaden the senses around my molar. Years ago I remember the dentists used a long ominous looking needle to apply Novocaine. To a little kid, the Novocaine needle could be terrifying. So much so, people preferred using “Laughing Gas” (“Nitrous Oxide”) as opposed to facing the needle. I’m glad someone invented a simpler and less threatening means for applying the local anesthetic.
The next step was to insert a variety of things in my mouth, such as rolls of cotton to provide a buffer between my cheek and gums, and a massive piece of plastic to pry my mouth open at a specific angle allowing the dentist easy access to the tooth in question. It felt like a miniature sawhorse and worked just as effectively. A breathing tube was added, along with suction to draw my saliva away.
The dentist then made his appearance and after a few pleasantries, he applied some microscopic lenses to his glasses, which looked like a couple of Bic pens, and thus he began using a whirling drill to sand down my molar. The drill proved to be very effective and I listened carefully as he whirled and chiseled my tooth down to size. A couple of times I could see smoke coming from my mouth. My eyes must have expressed alarm as the dental assistants quickly assured me my mouth wasn’t on fire, that it was just a little steam. Since when does steam smell like burning flesh? I could have easily lit a cigarette if I wanted to. I persevered nonetheless.
As I sat there and let the dental staff have their way with me, it occurred to me the operation had turned into something resembling the digging of the English Chunnel. There were workmen with lights and safety glasses protected by barricades and sawhorses as they drilled down into the cavern. Lines were inserted to pump air into the chasm and water out of it. The analogy was so strong, I had the unsettling feeling I was being worked over by the Department of Transportation as opposed to a medical team.
After much work, the molar had been trimmed to size and a temporary crown put into place using a caulk gun which seemed appropriate for a construction job. As the dentist finished, the assistants cleared my mouth of debris and equipment and traffic resumed. I just hope they picked up all of the cigarette butts. As I was leaving, I didn’t know whether I should just thank the staff or take them out for a beer afterwards.
I still have the final crown to be fitted and inserted, but this shouldn’t be as big of a job as the Chunnel. It was an interesting experience and I think I can now relate to those friends of mine who have had an inordinate amount of work performed on their teeth. In the end, all I can say is, “Thank God for Novocaine.”
Keep the Faith!
Note: All trademarks both marked and unmarked belong to their respective companies.
Tim Bryce is a writer and the Managing Director of M&JB Investment Company (M&JB) of Palm Harbor, Florida and has over 30 years of experience in the management consulting field. He can be reached at timb001@phmainstreet.com
For Tim’s columns, see:
timbryce.com
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Copyright © 2013 by Tim Bryce. All rights reserved.
NEXT UP: THE DEATH OF PROFESSIONAL COURTESY – What ever happened to “The Golden Rule”?
Listen to Tim on WJTN-AM (News Talk 1240) “The Town Square” with host John Siggins (Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, 12:30-3:00pm ET), and KGAB-AM 650 “The Morning Zone” with host Dave Chaffin (weekdays. 6:00-10:00am MST). Or tune-in to Tim’s channel on YouTube.
Also look for Tim’s postings in the Palm Harbor Patch, The Gentlemen’s Association, and throughout the Internet.
THE JOE BIDEN FOLLIES
BRYCE ON POLITICS
- The Michael Scott of the Obama Administration.
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Vice President Joe Biden has become the poster child for flubs and gaffes. Quite often the President has had to take action for something his VP has said and spin it to make it more palatable to the public. In a way, Mr. Biden reminds me of the Michael Scott character on NBC’s “The Office” whereby he speaks to the camera to make some sort of witticism which is either baffling or just plain embarrassing. The Vice President’s blunders are well documented in both print and video. On “YouTube” for example, there is quite a library of his most embarrassing remarks.
When interviewed on NBC’s “Meet the Press,” Biden delighted Republicans by referring to Governor Mitt Romney as “President Romney.” He also seemed to have trouble understanding who exactly he worked for as he referred to the president as “President Clinton.”
His most recent faux pas was in Virginia when he said, “Look at what they (Republicans) value, and look at their budget. And look what they’re proposing. (Romney) said in the first 100 days, he’s going to let the big banks write their own rules — unchain Wall Street. They’re going to put y’all back in chains.”
This little remark angered the black community on both sides of the aisle and caused the administration to go into damage control.
In Athens, Ohio (and home of my Alma Mater), the Veep experienced a problem in counting; “Look, John’s last-minute economic plan does nothing to tackle the number-one job facing the middle class, and it happens to be, as Barack says, a three-letter word: jobs. J-O-B-S, jobs.”
Somehow this incident reminded me of the Dan Quayle 1994 “potato” spelling error, except without the fanfare from the press.
For an administration extremely sensitive to racial remarks, they cringed when they heard Biden say on C-SPAN, “You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent…. I’m not joking.”
In April 2012, Biden tried to defend the president’s foreign policy by making a comparison to Teddy Roosevelt’s “Big Stick” policy; “Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far. I promise you, the President has a big stick. I promise you.”
Like Michael Scott, he was puzzled why his remarks resulted in gales of laughter from the audience.
In welcoming the Irish Prime Minister to the White House in March 2012, he shared “An old Irish saying; May the hinges of our friendship never go rusty,” and when describing the relationship between the two countries, he insisted, “there’s no doubt about them staying oiled and lubricated here.”
I’m sure the Irish PM is still shaking his head over this stereotype.
This has been but a small sampling of the Vice President’s gaffes. There are, of course, many more. He has consistently made statements which have embarrassed not only the administration but Americans everywhere, yet the press treats him with kid gloves and merely says, “Oh, that Joe, there he goes again.” Had a Republican made any one of these comments, he would have been unmercifully attacked by the press. Dan Quayle is an excellent example, any slip of the tongue by the VP during his term and the media chastized and berated him. The same was true with Sarah Palin when she ran as John McCain’s vice presidential nominee. So much for “fair and balanced.”
The one remark of Biden’s which I consider somewhat prophetic was in 2008 when he said, “Make no mistake about this. Hillary Clinton is as qualified or more qualified than I am to be vice president of the United States of America.”
Wow, he got that one right. We certainly do not need a Michael Scott as Vice President.
Keep the Faith!
Note: All trademarks both marked and unmarked belong to their respective companies.
Tim Bryce is a writer and the Managing Director of M&JB Investment Company (M&JB) of Palm Harbor, Florida and has over 30 years of experience in the management consulting field. He can be reached at timb001@phmainstreet.com
For Tim’s columns, see:
timbryce.com
Like the article? TELL A FRIEND.
Copyright © 2012 by Tim Bryce. All rights reserved.
NEXT UP: TALKING TO THE ANIMALS – The death of discourse, another casualty of the 21st century.
Listen to Tim on WJTN-AM (News Talk 1240) “The Town Square” with host John Siggins (Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, (12:30-3:00pm).
Also look for Tim’s postings in the Palm Harbor Patch and throughout the Internet.
A LITTLE SILLY
BRYCE ON OUR CHANGING WORLD
- Why we need a light hearted distraction now and then.
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There’s not too much to laugh about these days; unemployment is still high, our economy is still in shambles, and the media has the general populace whipped into a frenzy over the elections in the Fall. In fact, the general disposition of the country is rather depressing, which is why it is refreshing to see or hear something that lifts our spirits, something a little silly. As for me, not long ago I was waiting in line at my bank’s drive-in window when a man drove up on a red motorcycle whom I judged to be in his sixties. This was no ordinary motorcycle as it had an attached sidecar with a golden retriever proudly perched inside wearing goggles and a red bandana. It appeared the dog was enjoying himself immensely and didn’t seem encumbered by the attire his owner had dressed him in. The sight of the dog stopped everyone in their tracks, both in and outside of the bank. The bank tellers called their colleagues to the window to see him, and the other patrons waiting in line rolled down their window to get a better look. He was simply a very cool pooch who seemed to enjoy the attention, as did his master.
This particular couple have become regulars in our area and are often seen on the roadways around Palm Harbor, a tiny community on the suncoast of Florida. Everywhere the two go, they are met by smiles and pointed fingers. They lift the spirits of people wherever they go. Golden retrievers are pretty cool dogs to begin with, but when you add goggles and a bandana, they become real hams. It’s as if they know what they’re doing and are daring you not to laugh. I’ve seen other types of dogs sitting in sidecars, but the golden retriever seems to own it, particularly if he is dressed properly.
Now, more than ever we need a little silly in our lives. Walking around in a depressed or angry mood can make for some rather deep psychological scars. It is important to now and then do something a little silly thereby lifting the mood of others and ourselves. I believe our friend with the motorcycle is very cognizant of this, which is why the pair take to the streets like Batman and Robin to bring a little cheer to the citizens of our area. We don’t know exactly who the Dynamic Duo are, as their goggles conceal their identity, but they are warmly welcomed wherever they go. It’s a nice little silly that can break the tension regardless of who you are or the problems you are experiencing. For one brief moment, you cannot help by being distracted, thanks to a little silly.
Keep the Faith!
Note: All trademarks both marked and unmarked belong to their respective companies.
Tim Bryce is a writer and the Managing Director of M&JB Investment Company (M&JB) of Palm Harbor, Florida and has over 30 years of experience in the management consulting field. He can be reached at timb001@phmainstreet.com
For Tim’s columns, see:
timbryce.com
Like the article? TELL A FRIEND.
Copyright © 2012 by Tim Bryce. All rights reserved.
NEXT UP: UNDERSTANDING CORPORATE CULTURE – In order for employees to function and succeed, it is essential they understand and believe in the culture.
Listen to Tim on WJTN-AM (News Talk 1240) “The Town Square” with host John Siggins (Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, (12:30-3:00pm).
Also look for Tim’s postings in the Palm Harbor Patch and throughout the Internet.
SEX EDUCATION, THEN AND NOW
BRYCE ON OUR CHANGING WORLD
- Are we truly any smarter today?
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I wonder how much of sex education is learned through television, the Internet, and movies these days? Probably more than we know. As a result, I suspect parents spend considerably less time discussing it with their children than my generation. Back in my day, sex was a subject few people openly discussed, but I’m sure they were just as preoccupied with it. Even though “Playboy” was coming into vogue, nobody discussed such things as erectile dysfunction, social diseases, or openly joked about human sexual anatomy as they do today on prime time. Bawdy jokes were told privately or in Las Vegas. Even tampon ads in magazines were considered risque. The movie “Goldfinger” broke a lot of ground in raising sexual awareness though. Everyone knew what “Pussy Galore” meant, and still chuckle about it to this day.
My father gave me “The Talk” about the birds and the bees somewhere around fifth grade and he treated it rather seriously and matter-of-factly. Prior to this, I hadn’t given it much thought and was thereby surprised about the facts of life, particularly with the opposite sex. This was all reinforced a couple of years later when I was in Junior High School in Chicago. We were bused to the school on a Saturday morning, where the boys and girls were separated and listened to lectures on sex and watched an educational film. Interestingly, before the movie, the boys and girls joked around on the bus and sat together. However, on the trip home, the boys sat on one side of the bus, and the girls on the other; not a word was spoken by anyone. I presume the session had the desired effect the school administrators were looking for.
Following the class, our P.E. teachers would also provide some talks and film strips on sex education. I suspect the films were shown to the GI’s in WW2 as they looked rather old and warned of the dangers of Syphilis and Gonorrhea. Afterwards, we all started to watch our scalps to make sure clumps of hair wouldn’t fall out. It was also at this age when young men start wearing jock straps in gym class. There was an instance where a new kid came to our school and joined our class. In addition to the jock strap, his mother insisted he wear a condom. This really puzzled us. We all knew what the condom was for but were at a loss as to why she insisted on him wearing it in gym. Nobody sat next to him while we were changing.
During high school I played football and would naturally get quite dirty and sweaty. We all took showers afterwards and nobody thought twice about it. One of my teammates eventually became the Athletic Director at the school. When I went back to visit him years later, he gave me a tour of the old locker room where I noticed the shower room was shrunk in half. When I asked him about it, he told me nobody takes showers after a game or practice anymore as the kids have become rather “Homophobic.” I just rolled my eyes and said, “Idiots.”
Despite the absence of the active sexual climate in the media back then, we all got the message, be it from our parents, our school, or amongst ourselves, but I’m not sure it is like that anymore. I know of companies today where managers have to counsel young employees about their sex lives. The biggest danger seems to be they are misinformed about what they are doing, and are incredibly naive about birth control and social diseases. It seems odd a manager has to discuss such affairs with a worker but it is inevitable as many moms and dads have abdicated their parental duties in this regard. I suspect the same is true in the military where sergeants have to give advice, such as, “If you don’t know what you’re doing, keep it zipped.”
Today we may be more sexually active in the media, but our young people appear to be ignorant of the basics when it comes to sex education, just the antithesis of my day. Now there are more sexually transmitted diseases, and we all want to be at the top of our game in sexual performance, at least that is what television tells us. I’m not sure which generation is more correctly “adjusted” to sex, but I sure loved that “Pussy Galore” gag.
Keep the Faith!
Note: All trademarks both marked and unmarked belong to their respective companies.
Tim Bryce is a writer and the Managing Director of M&JB Investment Company (M&JB) of Palm Harbor, Florida and has over 30 years of experience in the management consulting field. He can be reached at timb001@phmainstreet.com
For Tim’s columns, see:
timbryce.com
Like the article? TELL A FRIEND.
Copyright © 2012 by Tim Bryce. All rights reserved.
NEXT UP: PERSONALITY TYPES – Of the four types, which one best describes you?
Also look for Tim’s postings in the Palm Harbor Patch and throughout the Internet.
THE BEST WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
- And it is certainly not “please.”
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My company has been fortunate to have conducted business all over the world. Visiting the different cultures has afforded us the opportunity to learn a lot about their perspectives on life, not to mention their humor and speech patterns. Inevitably we often compare notes about the expressions and idioms used by people. For example, in Australia, I was somewhat surprised to learn that a “rubber” referred to an eraser. I went to a restaurant and discovered they didn’t have “doggie bags” but rather “pussy boxes.” I had to bite my tongue on that one.
When people from overseas visited with us, they were enraptured by our slang and colloquialisms. The English, for example, had trouble understanding the expression “G2″ which I commonly use in my presentations. The term is derived from the military and used to express the performance of research and intelligence work, e.g., “Did you do your G2?” While most Americans understood the expression, it baffled the British. The point is, I tend to believe Americans use a lot more jargon than we are cognizant of.
There is one word in our vernacular that outsiders particularly enjoy, Bulls*** (aka “BS”). In particular, the Japanese have a fondness for this word beyond description. Evidently, they have nothing comparable to it in their lexicon. They consider it the most versatile word in our language fulfilling many applications. It can be used to express intense displeasure with something, to describe a frivolous activity, to refute an argument, to cut someone off in conversation, and many other uses. It was made very clear to me by the Japanese and others, that in the business world, “BS”, is the best word in the English language.
Not surprising, I have heard it used in many settings; in Japanese companies for example, a manager may shout it out for inferior workmanship; in Brazil it is amusing to hear Portugese conversation interrupted by a booming “BS”; or even the proper English allowing it to slip inconspicuously into the conversation, “I say old boy, that truly is bulls***.” The Mexicans have, of course, adapted it to Spanish, “Caca de toro.”
I fear though, the expression is doomed to extinction as it is more identified with my Baby Boomer generation and not by others. For example, my son’s generation has no appreciation for the word and will seldom use it. It’s a pity too, as I’ve found it to be one of the best words I have ever used, both in business and personal settings. Perhaps the Japanese will maintain it for us until future generations in this country rediscover its value.
Keep the Faith!
Note: All trademarks both marked and unmarked belong to their respective companies.
Tim Bryce is a writer and the Managing Director of M&JB Investment Company (M&JB) of Palm Harbor, Florida and has over 30 years of experience in the management consulting field. He can be reached at timb001@phmainstreet.com
For Tim’s columns, see:
timbryce.com
Like the article? TELL A FRIEND.
Copyright © 2012 by Tim Bryce. All rights reserved.
NEXT UP: REBUILDING LOYALTY – “When you find someone you believe in, do not hesitate to stand by him through thick and thin.” – Bryce’s Law
LOSING IT
- And the private hell you go through “finding it.”
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I do not believe there are too many things more aggravating than misplacing something of value, be it keys, jewelry, a wallet or whatever. It’s maddening. When you first become aware something is missing, you initially believe you know its location which, of course, you do not. Terror sets in when you realize it is not there. Your disposition goes from calm concern to desperate panic in a few scant seconds depending on the value of the object and where you believe you lost it, such as in a public venue like a restaurant. In addition to the object of your concern, you also lose your personality in the process.
Losing a wallet or a purse can unnerve the best of us as I believe we are all mindful of the dangers of identity theft. This inevitably results in frantic calls to credit card companies to stop and change accounts, and frankly, I am not too keen on talking to “Bob” in Bombay when havoc strikes. Wallets and money clips are one thing, keys are another as you become obsessed with the security of your home, office, or automobile. Believe me, changing credit card accounts is a lot easier than replacing keys which is why I rarely treat them with a carefree attitude, even in places where I feel safe and secure. Plain and simply, I do not want to go through the trouble of replacing them.
Women tend to get upset when they’ve misplaced an article of jewelry, even if it is relatively inexpensive, such as a matching earring or a bauble with sentimental value. This unnerves the best of them as they search frantically for it. Drawers are emptied, closets turned upside-down, rugs turned over, laundry hampers rummaged through. The last desperate act is to look in sink drains, washing machines and dryers where the person fears the worst. It can get rather ugly.
It is difficult to deal with people when they are in a state of panic. They tend to be irrational. Don’t ask them to do anything else as they are obsessed with the object and will not stop until they find it, which could be a long time. One tip I can suggest for small items is to search the cracks of sofas and chairs. You will be surprised what you find down there, a veritable treasure trove. Also check jackets you haven’t worn in awhile, or suit pockets.
Over the years, my family has lost keys, jewelry, lighters, sunglasses, garage door openers, wallets, and purses. And every time we do, we vow to turn over a new leaf and take better care of such possessions. Unfortunately, one never does. Something always slips through the cracks if you are not careful. To illustrate, I was leaving the office late one night and planned on going to a friend’s house to relax. I turned on the office security, closed the door, and lit up a cigar on our front porch. I then got in my car and took a leisurely ride over to my friend’s house. As I arrived, I parked in his driveway, exited the car, and headed towards the front door. It was then that an alarm went off in my head. Something was wrong. I stopped and started to go down a mental checklist…wallet (check), money (check), cell phone (check), car keys (check), office keys…Oh, oh! I then frantically scoured my car looking for the keys, but couldn’t find them. The only thing to do was to retrace my steps. I got in my car and drove back to my office. As I went up the steps, there they were in the front door lock. In the process of lighting my cigar, I had somehow forgotten them in the keyhole. Although I was irritated to go back to my office, I was glad I remembered them as quickly as I did and felt fortunate that nobody had stopped by the front door of the office and taken them. I narrowly dodged the bullet on this one. Yes, misplacing an object is one thing, forgetting to lock a door or close a window is another. I found it interesting that some sort of mental warning system had flashed telling me something was wrong.
As maddening as it is to believe you have lost or forgotten something, there is nothing quite as comforting as finding it. It is like a fog suddenly lifting and the sun shining through again. Rather euphoric I think, but I can certainly do without the histrionics leading up to it.
Keep the Faith!
Note: All trademarks both marked and unmarked belong to their respective companies.
Tim Bryce is a writer and the Managing Director of M&JB Investment Company (M&JB) of Palm Harbor, Florida and has over 30 years of experience in the management consulting field. He can be reached at timb001@phmainstreet.com
For Tim’s columns, see:
timbryce.com
Like the article? TELL A FRIEND.
Copyright © 2012 by Tim Bryce. All rights reserved.
NEXT UP: PRODUCING NEWSLETTERS: BEWARE OF THE BIRDCAGE – Writing newsletters that will be read as opposed to discarded.
CAPITALISTIC CRABS
- Even fiddler crabs understand the basics of our economic system.
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I went to the beach recently with my wife where we planted our umbrella and chairs in the sand as we usually do. It was low tide so we moved down closer to the edge of the water. Interestingly, we found ourselves situated in the midst of a colony of fiddler crabs who were busy digging holes in the sand and filtering the granules for some sort of nutritious treasure, whatever that might be. Although there were dozens of them around us, they took care to keep their distance from us and quickly buried themselves in the sand if we moved too quickly or stamped our feet.
They appeared to be quite industrious in their work and quite amusing to watch. Each dug a hole and mined balls of sand from it which they patiently picked through for nutrients. I noticed there were physical differences in the various crabs. Some were larger and possessed one rather impressive pincer claw which made it look like it was playing a fiddle (hence the name). Sometimes the claw was on the right side, others were southpaws. My attention focused on a particular crab which I called “Lefty” who seemed to have one of the more prominent holes in the sand. I was genuinely impressed by the amount of sand Lefty excavated from his lair. He seemed to be very concerned with keeping the area around his den neat and tidy. If a neighboring crab came too close, Lefty would ward him off by flashing his pincer. Most of the time though, he would simply push them out of his territory before retreating back to his hole where he would continue in his endeavors. Most of the crabs I saw seemed to follow Lefty’s lead whereby they worked hard and enjoyed the bounty of their efforts. Although they were rather territorial in nature, they allowed neighbors on their property only if they respected his domain.
Lefty became bored with the routine after awhile, and decided to survey the world around him. Unlike others who remained at home, Lefty traveled far and wide looking for new opportunities (at least ten feet away). Inevitably, he would have to cross over the territory of other crabs who quickly rebuffed his advances, regardless of his size. Nonetheless, Lefty continued on his trek until he found himself outside of the colony. He eventually found a new spot on the beach which evidently had a better view of the ocean, not to mention nutrients in the sand, and began to dig a new burrow. Never satisfied, he moved on to another location after he exhausted the nutrients. Interestingly, the other crabs didn’t seem to have his adventurous spirit and stayed home while Lefty saw the world.
After studying the habits of the fiddler crab for a couple of hours, I came to the conclusion they were a perfect example of capitalism in practice. Everyone worked hard for their food; freeloaders were taught to work if they wanted to eat, but some were allowed to graze on private property if the tenant was so inclined. The crabs were also free to roam and explore new endeavors, as exemplified by Lefty who enjoyed the bounties of success after leaving the colony, a very risky proposition. I don’t think Aesop could have made a better analogy.
I found this all rather intriguing and wondered if I could simulate this phenomenon on a larger scale. To do so, I purchased a dozen sand shovels and left them on the beach near a group of children who eagerly used them to dig holes and make sand forts. Each worked merrily to carve up their small piece of the beach which they were all very proud of. At the end of the day, they left their shovels in the sand and watched as the incoming tide reclaimed their creations. Again, this was another fine example of capitalism as each person was allowed to work as hard as they wanted and enjoyed the fruits of their labor.
Next, I obtained a dozen trowels, along with four shovels, and placed them near a group of conservatives on the beach. They eagerly picked up the tools and started to create some rather inspiring structures, including a six foot high sand castle complete with turrets, bridges, a moat with water, and the inside was large enough to hold a small child within its walls. It was pretty impressive. Other participants sculpted some interesting shapes, including a sea serpent, a ship, and what appeared to be a submarine. They took turns using the shovels as there were only four of them. Although a few people worked independently, most paired up into teams to create their structures and some friendly competition ensued. At the end, they congratulated each other on the job they had done. It was so impressive, curiosity seekers stopped by to admire their work and praised them accordingly. All of the tools were cleaned off and returned to the spot where I had brought them.
Finally, I took the same utensils and dropped them near a group of liberals. Frankly, they weren’t too impressed with them. Having watched the conservatives work and the adulation they received, instead of building something new, they complained to the media who filmed them tearing down the work of the conservatives. They complained about the heat and the working conditions and fought each other over territory in the sand. They then sold the tools and pocketed the money, and blamed the conservatives for defacing the beach.
Frankly, I was disappointed with the results of my experiment. I hoped the liberals had been at least as smart and industrious as the tiny fiddler crab, but I guess I was wrong.
Keep the Faith!
Note: All trademarks both marked and unmarked belong to their respective companies.
Tim Bryce is a writer and the Managing Director of M&JB Investment Company (M&JB) of Palm Harbor, Florida and has over 30 years of experience in the management consulting field. He can be reached at timb001@phmainstreet.com
For Tim’s columns, see:
timbryce.com
Like the article? TELL A FRIEND.
Copyright © 2012 by Tim Bryce. All rights reserved.
NEXT UP: HOW ARE WE EVOLVING AS A SPECIES? – And what role does morality play?
THE JOYS OF SHAVING
- The burden of grooming one’s face repetitively.
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I do not believe there are too many men out there who honestly enjoy shaving. It’s not the act itself that bothers us, as much as it is the repetition, day after day, month after month, year after year. Not surprising we relish the occasional day off where we neglect to shave thereby allowing the stubble to grow which may be fine for a day or two, but becomes rather irritating if allowed to persist. I don’t care what Hollywood thinks, wearing stubble makes you look like a bum, which is fine if you’re retired or unemployed, but looks bad in the workplace. Let me be clear, I have no problem with facial hair. I have seen just about every kind of mustache, beard, goatee, and sideburn imaginable, and they can look very professional if properly groomed, but also very haggard if not.
As teenagers, men relish their first set of whiskers which denotes passage into adulthood. Not surprising, we proudly display the sparce facial hair every chance we get, particularly to the opposite sex. It’s like saying, “Hey, I’m masculine, here I am” (like that is the only indicator women notice). After the facial hair has finally grown out though, we discover shaving has gone from being an amusing curiosity to an obnoxious routine.
Over the years, I think I have tried just about every razor imaginable, from blades to electric. I once tried a straight razor (with leather strap) but quickly discovered it was not as convenient as the modern razor blade. I originally started out with a double-edged safety razor, but eventually graduated to the cartridges featuring multiple blades. I always thought the ads for such blades were amusing; originally, they showed a graphic demonstrating how two blades could outperform a single blade by cutting the individual hair down to its roots, but I guess this wasn’t good enough as they next came up with a three blade cartridge outperforming the two blades, then a four blade cartridge outperforming the three. Five over four, and now six over five. That’s right, a six blade cartridge. Does this mean the razor companies were deceiving us about the effectiveness of the two blade cartridge? Or three? Somehow I suspect the old double-edge safety razor is just as effective as today’s multi-blade cartridge. By the way, there is nothing wrong with the inexpensive plastic disposable razors which seemed revolutionary when they were first introduced.
I never had much luck with electric razors; I simply could not get as close a shave as with a blade, but that happens to be my preference. I know plenty of men who are perfectly happy with electric razors, including my father who used them for years. As for me, I’ll typically use an electric only if I need a quick shave at the end of the day before going out for the evening. Surprisingly, the best electric razor I ever used was a small inexpensive portable from Panasonic which I obtained in Japan. I’ve tried the big razors, but this tiny unit simply outperformed them.
I’ve also been known to dry shave now and then, particularly if I’m out in the wilderness when soap and water are not readily available, but I try to avoid it as it feels like you’re ripping the flesh off of your face. Yes, it is very tingling and not for the lighthearted as you are likely to get a nick or cut thereby requiring you to put wads of toilet paper on your face to stop the bleeding; a very attractive feature I might add. Fortunately, somebody thought of shaving soap thereby simplifying the shave and minimizing the scaring of your face. I began with a simple cup with shaving soap which I would whip into a frothy lather using a badger hair brush. I believe I still have that brush buried somewhere in a bathroom closet which is probably now a collector’s item.
Which brings us to the matter of shaving creams versus gels, and I have tried both. Although I prefer shave creams, one seems as good as another to me. For some reason, gels remind me of smearing petroleum jelly on my face. Both the creams and the gels are normally applied cold on your face, which is useful for waking you up in the morning but bothersome otherwise. As an aside, perhaps the best father’s day gift I ever received from my kids was a hot lather dispenser which preheats the shaving cream.
It appears aftershave lotions are also something from a bygone era as few people seem to use them anymore. Somehow, the application of a cold alcohol-based lotion to recently scraped skin can invigorate any of us, not to mention making us smell a little better.
Perhaps the best place to get a shave though is the local barber shop or hair salon. It’s not something I do often, but now and then, a good shave by a trained professional using all of the accoutrements at his disposal is worthwhile. It’s always a pleasure to watch somebody who knows what they are doing regardless of the job. Interestingly, years ago most barber shops used hot towels from a steam table to moisten your beard as opposed to shaving cream, and it worked remarkably well.
Facial hair is not so much about masculinity, as it is about an annoying habit we have to live with, whether we like it or not. We can elect to either pay attention to it and practice good grooming, or neglect it thereby making us look like a bum. Either way, shaving affects our lives both personally and professionally.
Keep the Faith!
Note: All trademarks both marked and unmarked belong to their respective companies.
Tim Bryce is a writer and the Managing Director of M&JB Investment Company (M&JB) of Palm Harbor, Florida and has over 30 years of experience in the management consulting field. He can be reached at timb001@phmainstreet.com
For Tim’s columns, see:
timbryce.com
Like the article? TELL A FRIEND.
Copyright © 2012 by Tim Bryce. All rights reserved.
NEXT UP: HOW WELL ARE WE PREPARING THE NEXT GENERATION? – Not as well as we might think.
MALL MADNESS
- Are they designed for men or women (or both?)
(Click for AUDIO VERSION)
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I went to the local mall recently to look for a gift. It has probably been over ten years since I last visited a mall as I have learned to find merchandise at specialty stores and on the Internet. I generally do not do well with crowds of unthinking clods at the mall. Maybe it is because I suffer from a claustrophobic image of being entrapped by gangs of carnies. Whatever it is, I discovered nothing has really changed in this regard.
The mall I visited apparently underwent some major remodeling and it looked a lot cleaner and sharper than as I remembered it, at least on the inside. The outside was still a death trap for parking. People still circle like barracudas looking for the ideal spot which, at minimum, is at least 50 yards from the front door. Whenever a parking space opens, the race is on to fill it. Regardless what the shop owners in the mall tell you, the front rows of cars closest to the door, are all reserved for the employees who arrive early to claim them. The security guard in the recycled golf cart who circles the parking lot aimlessly is charged with making sure customers are miserable before they enter the mall. As unpleasant as it is outside, it is much nicer inside, thereby encouraging people to stay longer and spend more money.
I suspect malls are more suited for women as evidenced by females outnumbering men by as much as 3:1. Most men do not really want to be there unless they absolutely have to. I believe they are there more to lend moral support to their spouses as opposed to do any substantial shopping. When they become bored, the men are sequestered to a “time out” area where benches and chairs are provided so they can either stare blankly into space or at the skirts walking by.
I have also noticed women tend to dress better going into a mall as opposed to other retail stores. There seems to be more makeup, the hair is better coifed, and they generally look more alluring. This may be caused by many young girls growing up in the mall, with tight fitting and suggestive clothing used to attract the male of the species, all plugged into their cell phones talking incessantly to their best friend who is walking but a few feet away from them. Anthropologists find this fascinating, as do I.
Women probably enjoy malls more than men. After all, they are designed primarily around them. Whereas men tend to become more reclusive in a mall, women flourish. As a friend of mine recently observed, “Women go to the mall to shop, men go there to purchase a specific item; there’s a big difference.”
Women go to shop for upcoming birthdays, anniversaries and holidays, or to cash in on special discounts and sales, something they are constantly on the prowl for. While women find happiness in stores like Macy’s, Lord & Taylor and Dillard’s, men find solace in the hardware department at Sears where they check out the latest in ratchet sets and lawn mowers. However, they do try to keep an eye open when they pass the Victoria’s Secret store.
There is considerable flash and mirrors in the stores themselves aimed at creating a mystique to trigger the purchasing gene, particularly in the big anchor stores. The flotsam and jetsam is so pervasive, it is difficult to walk around a store, or escape from it for that matter. There’s so much overhead, no wonder a simple $5 blouse sells for $90. There isn’t anything particularly special about the design or the material used, as much as it is necessary to cover the expenses of the store decor. The retailers could probably save consumers a lot of money with a simpler layout, but that would negate the purchasing gene.
The retail clerks are very cooperative and hospitable, if you can understand the language they are speaking. They spend a lot of time keeping their area neat and clean, but I’ve learned you do not dare ask for their advice on sizes or color matching. As bad as I am with such estimates, they are worse (and usually more expensive).
There is a wide variety of stores in the mall, all offering products at exorbitant prices. I don’t think anybody truly goes there to save a buck. It’s intended to be more of a recreational outing like what you experience at an amusement park, where you stay all day.
Food courts have replaced most of the restaurants at malls. The food isn’t really any better, or cheaper, but they are designed to encourage the consumer to spend less time eating and more time shopping. According to a 2003 report of Mall Shopping Patterns by the International Council of Shopping Centers (ICSC), the average shopper is making fewer visits to the mall, but is staying longer (in excess of 90 minutes), and spending averages over $75 per person, with women easily outspending men.
None of this should come as a surprise as retailers and mall designers have figured us out a long time ago, perhaps too well. The original concept of the mall was to provide consumers with a one-stop destination thereby affording convenience. Now, as the malls have grown to mega proportions, they have replaced convenience with an all-day shopping experience under the guise of entertainment.
I think it will probably be another ten years until I visit the mall again. I’ll take the Internet over entertainment any day of the week, plus save a lot of money to boot.
Keep the Faith!
Note: All trademarks both marked and unmarked belong to their respective companies.
Tim Bryce is a writer and the Managing Director of M&JB Investment Company (M&JB) of Palm Harbor, Florida and has over 30 years of experience in the management consulting field. He can be reached at timb001@phmainstreet.com
For Tim’s columns, see:
timbryce.com
Like the article? TELL A FRIEND.
Copyright © 2012 by Tim Bryce. All rights reserved.
NEXT UP: EULOGY FOR A FRIEND – Writing it is one thing, deliverying it is something else.
THE EMPEROR’S NEW CLOTHES-THE 2012 EDITION
- with apologies to Hans Christian Andersen.
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Many years ago there was a President so exceedingly fond of hyperbole that he spent all his money on political spin. He cared nothing about preparing a balanced budget, or tending to matters of state, except to campaign for his next election. He had a catch-phrase for every hour of the day, and instead of saying, as one might, about any other ruler, “The King is in council,” here they always said, “The President is on the campaign trail.”
In the great city where he lived, life was always gay. Every day many strangers came to town, and among them one day came two swindlers. They let it be known they were spin doctors, and they said they could weave the most magnificent excuses for not properly governing the country. Not only were their techniques effective, but the excuses had a wonderful way of clouding the truth about reality. So much so, that anyone challenging the excuses would be considered unfit and unusually stupid.
“Those would be just the excuses for me,” thought the President. “If I use them I would be able to discover who in my empire can separate fact from fiction and the fools who cannot. Yes, I certainly must have them work for me.” He paid the two spin doctors a large sum of money to start work at once.
They set up offices and pretended to work, though there was nothing special to do as the President himself could not differentiate between fact and fiction.
“I’d like to know how those spin doctors are getting on with the excuses,” the President thought, but he felt slightly uncomfortable when he remembered that those who were unfit for their position would not be able to detect the truth. It couldn’t have been that he doubted himself, yet he thought he’d rather send someone else to see how things were going.
“I’ll send my honest old Press Secretary,” the President decided. “He’ll be the best one to tell me how the excuses sound, for he’s a sensible man and no one knows spin better.”
So the honest old Press Secretary went to the room where the two swindlers sat working away. Both the swindlers begged him to be so kind as to come near to read the excellent excuses they had written, all of which blamed scapegoats for the country’s problems. The poor old Press Secretary stared as hard as he dared but he couldn’t grasp the excuses. “Heaven have mercy,” he thought. “Can it be that I’m a fool? I know the President is honestly at fault, but not a soul must know. Am I unfit to be the Press Secretary? It would never do to let on that I don’t know what catch phrases like ‘Hope and Change’, ‘Pay their Fair Share’ and ‘Forward’ truly mean.”
“Don’t hesitate to tell us what you think of the excuses,” said one of the spin doctors.
“Oh, it’s brilliant, quite enchanting.” The old Press Secretary peered through his spectacles. “Such a line of BS! I’ll be sure to tell the President how delighted I am with it.”
“We’re pleased to hear that,” the spin doctors said. They proceeded to name all of the scapegoats, including Bush, the GOP, the 1%, whites, capitalism, and of course evil American business. The old Press Secretary paid the closest attention, so that he could tell it all to the President. And so he did.
The spin doctors at once asked for more money to get on with the deceptions. And it all went into their pockets.
The President presently sent another trustworthy campaign manager to see how the work progressed and how soon it would be ready. The same thing happened to him that had happened to the Press Secretary. He looked and he looked, but he couldn’t tell fact from fiction.
“Aren’t these good excuses?” the swindlers asked him. But the campaign manager realized the President was to blame, not the scapegoats.
“I know I’m not stupid,” the man thought, “so it must be that I’m unworthy of my good office. That’s strange. I mustn’t let anyone find it out, though.” So he praised the excuses. To the President he said, “It held me spellbound.”
The President wanted to see it for himself what his two old trusted officials were excited about. Attended by a band of chosen men, he set out to see the two spin doctors. He found them writing with might and main.
“Magnificent,” said the two officials already duped. “Just look, Your Majesty, what excuses!” They pointed to the papers which contained a scapegoat for each of the President’s botched policies on economics, energy, immigration, health care, and foreign relations.
“What’s this?” thought the President. “You mean I am innocent of any wrongdoing? This is excellent! What a charade to pull on the people. Oh! They’re marvelous,” he said. “It has my highest approval.” Nothing could make him admit he had made a mistake.
His whole retinue stared and stared. One saw no more than another, but they all joined the President in exclaiming, “Oh! These are awesome excuses,” and they advised him to tell the excuses before the country. “Magnificent! Excellent! Unsurpassed!” were bandied from mouth to mouth, and everyone did his best to seem well pleased.
Before the State of the Union address the spin doctors sat up all night prepping the teleprompters, to show how busy they were.
Then the President himself came with his noblest nobleman, the Vice President, and the spin doctors reviewed the list of excuses with him. “This is the record you should run on, your Excellency.” The President gathered up the papers and turned again for one last look in the mirror. He seemed to regard his looks with the greatest interest.
So off went the President to deliver his State of the Union address. Afterwards, he left proudly in procession through the streets of the capitol. Everyone on the sidewalks and in the windows waved and said, “Oh, how fine the President looks. His speech was so meaningful. It will send the country in the proper direction.”
“But you still haven’t solved our problems,” a little child said. “Do you think we’re all fools? That was some of the worst BS I have ever heard. Although you keep blaming others, it was YOUR fiscal policies that caused our debt to skyrocket, to lower our credit ratings, to cause unemployment to stagnate above 8%, to cause us to be more dependent on foreign energy, and scare business away from our shores. How long are you going to continue to lie to the country?”
“Did you ever hear such innocent prattle?” said the child’s father. And one person whispered to another what the child had said, “He hasn’t solved our problems. A child says he hasn’t solved our problems.”
“But you haven’t solved our problems!” the whole town cried out in unison.
The President shivered, for he knew they were right. But he thought, “This procession has got to go on.” So he walked more proudly than ever, followed by his czars and cronies with his head held high and reading from his teleprompters that it was still all Bush’s fault.
Keep the Faith!
Note: All trademarks both marked and unmarked belong to their respective companies.
Tim Bryce is a writer and the Managing Director of M&JB Investment Company (M&JB) of Palm Harbor, Florida and has over 30 years of experience in the management consulting field. He can be reached at timb001@phmainstreet.com
For Tim’s columns, see:
timbryce.com
Like the article? TELL A FRIEND.
Copyright © 2012 by Tim Bryce. All rights reserved.
NEXT UP: THE OWS PERSPECTIVE ON ECONOMICS (aka “Obamanomics”) – How do they propose to replace capitalism?
