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Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

CLEANING MY SOCK DRAWER

Posted by Tim Bryce on February 10, 2017

BRYCE ON LIFE

– What I found 25 years later or “How to upset the sock gods.”

(Click for AUDIO VERSION)
To use this segment in a Radio broadcast or Podcast, send TIM a request.

I recently cleaned out my sock drawer. Guys typically don’t like to clean out such drawers and I am no exception. The reason for cleaning it was because I recently bought some new socks and discovered I had trouble stuffing them into the drawer. I believe the last time I did so was 25 years ago when we first bought the dresser.

It’s interesting what you find when cleaning out a sock draw, it is akin to an archaeological dig. I discovered I had over 40 different socks, none of which matched. This got me wondering where their mates were. Perhaps they were consumed by the washing machine or dryer as part of some demonic sacrificial rite. 40+ socks though is a lot and I cannot imagine who would want them or what they would do with them as individual oddities. I always considered my socks unique and do not believe they could be confused for those worn by my children. So there either must be a sock heaven or sock thief loose in the house.

As I picked through the socks in the drawer I was reminded of the many different types and colors I wore over the last quarter century. The oldest ones were long and came way up my shin, almost to the knee. They may seem awkward today but at the time they were comfortable and effective for covering any exposed flesh between the bottom of your trousers and your shoes. I had others with various bands of elastic to hold them up. Some had lost all elasticity and were rather droopy which is probably why I neglected them. By today’s standards, several socks looked rather strange and archaic. I suspect I would look like a spaz wearing them, and probably twenty years ago as well.

Most of the socks were either black, dark brown, or navy blue, but I also had some lighter colors which, in hindsight, probably made me look like a used car salesman. Fortunately, I didn’t have a white belt or shoes to accompany them. I learned my lesson wearing light colored socks and have stayed with darker colors in recent times.

I felt a little guilty cleaning out the drawer. My first inclination was to say, “But what if we finally find the mates?” I also had a fleeting notion they would make good dust rags, but my wife wanted no part of them. Finally, I came to my senses and purged all of the orphans into the garbage can thereby leaving only my new socks in the drawer all neatly paired up. I felt a sense of satisfaction for finally cleaning out something that was well overdue. My satisfaction was short lived though; about two weeks after cleaning out the drawer I happened to notice a new single sock sitting alone without its mate. My guess is that I had upset the sock Gods who demanded another sacrifice, either that or my wife is deliberately trying to drive me insane. Either way, I give up. It will be more than 25 years before I try to clean out a sock drawer again. Maybe some things are best left undone.

Keep the Faith!

Note: All trademarks both marked and unmarked belong to their respective companies.

Tim Bryce is a writer and the Managing Director of M&JB Investment Company (M&JB) of Palm Harbor, Florida and has over 40 years of experience in the management consulting field. He can be reached at timb001@phmainstreet.com

For Tim’s columns, see:   timbryce.com

Like the article? TELL A FRIEND.

Copyright © 2017 by Tim Bryce. All rights reserved.

Also read Tim’s columns in the THE HUFFINGTON POST

NEXT UP:  IN PRAISE OF MENTORING PROGRAMS – Once almost extinct, mentoring programs are making a comeback.

LAST TIME:  WHAT THE MARCH ON WASHINGTON WAS ALL ABOUT  – It is much more than just female rights.

Listen to Tim on News Talk Florida (WWBA 820 AM), WZIG-FM (104.1) in Palm Harbor,FL; KIT-AM (1280) in Yakima, Washington “The Morning News” with hosts Dave Ettl & Lance Tormey (weekdays. 6:00-9:00am Pacific). Or tune-in to Tim’s channel on YouTube. Click for TIM’S LIBRARY OF AUDIO CLIPS.

 

Posted in humor, Life | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

GREETINGS FROM PLANET NINE

Posted by Tim Bryce on February 26, 2016

BRYCE ON POLITICS

– The new Hollywood.

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To use this segment in a Radio broadcast or Podcast, send TIM a request.

Last month, scientists at the California Institute of Technology claim to have discovered a new planet, temporarily named, “Planet Nine.” This was welcome news since Pluto was downgraded to “dwarf planet” status. Planet Nine is said to be 10 times bigger than Earth, and as the farthest planet in our solar system, it takes approximately 20,000 years to complete one orbit.

In truth, the planet was discovered eight years ago but has been kept secret by developers who are turning it into a luxurious retreat where Hollywood celebrities will be moving following the election of Donald Trump as President in 2016. Insiders claim the new planet will be dubbed “Hollyworld.” and celebrities have already mapped out spacious estates. One developer was quoted as saying the smallest property will make the Ponderosa seem puny.

In addition to homes, a massive media infrastructure is planned so entertainers can continue their work there and is said to include studios for motion pictures, television, radio, music, etc. Although travel to and from the new planet would normally take years using conventional spacecraft, technicians have finally unlocked the secrets of beaming technology as introduced by Gene Roddenberry, the creator of “Star Trek.” This reduces the amount of travel from years to minutes.

The project is a joint venture by Hollywood entertainers and the main street media. It was kept secret so the founders could finalize plans for a new form of government and policies. Breitbart broke the story after stumbling on a planning session at the New York Times. Among the decisions outlined include:

* A massive government infrastructure will control everything. You will not be able to do anything without a permit. As such, it will be the largest employer on the planet, followed by 7-11 clerks. Nonetheless, Civil Servants will run the world.

* There will be no taxes; everyone will be required to turn their assets over to the state for safekeeping and financing the world. This means there will be no theft or burglary, but little in terms of employment as everyone will be classified as wards of the state.

* Energy will be furnished exclusively by solar wind farms. Without petroleum, there will be no pipelines or carbon emissions other than the hot air from the inhabitants. Interestingly, there is a genuine concern for the polar caps melting, even though the planet is the farthest from the sun.

* Guns are not permitted, which explains why there will be a major drug culture on the planet. Meth labs will operate 24/7.

* A complete program of socialized medicine will be available to inhabitants. Everyone will be entitled to free health care, generously paid for by the celebrities. Hospital doctors and nurses will work for the government.

* Illegal immigration will be permitted and will be allowed to vote in elections, as well as those deceased and buried on the planet. It is expected, immigrants will come from Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Mexico, of course.

This social paradise, code named as “Obamanation,” has been under development for six years and will likely be occupied following the presidential election in November. In addition to estates for elite Hollywood celebrities, a major section has been reserved for the Main Street Media, tentatively named “Fantasyland.”

It is expected California Governor Jerry “Moonbeam” Brown will be named the planet’s first “Chief,” a title selected in honor of Native Americans and the Washington NFL franchise. No word yet as to who will fill the seats for the Secretaries of Karma, Inner Consciousness, and Meditation.

In related news, Donald Trump announced a new magnetic beam that is reported to be so strong, it can release a planet from the solar system thereby allowing it to float out into space. Americans eagerly await the first demonstration so that Earth may return to normal.

Also published with News Talk Florida.

Keep the Faith!

Note: All trademarks both marked and unmarked belong to their respective companies.

Tim Bryce is a writer and the Managing Director of M&JB Investment Company (M&JB) of Palm Harbor, Florida and has over 30 years of experience in the management consulting field. He can be reached at timb001@phmainstreet.com

For Tim’s columns, see:   timbryce.com

Like the article? TELL A FRIEND.

Copyright © 2016 by Tim Bryce. All rights reserved.

NEXT UP:  ACQUISITIONS: A BAD SIGN? – Another indicator of the fragile state of our economy.

LAST TIME:  NOBODY THINKS BIG ANYMORE  – particularly in the systems world.

Listen to Tim on WJTN-AM (News Talk 1240) “The Town Square” with host John Siggins (Mon, Wed, Fri, 12:30-3:00pm Eastern); WZIG-FM (104.1) in Palm Harbor,FL; KIT-AM (1280) in Yakima, Washington “The Morning News” with hosts Dave Ettl & Lance Tormey (weekdays. 6:00-9:00am Pacific); and WWBA-AM (News Talk Florida 820). Or tune-in to Tim’s channel on YouTube.

Posted in humor, Politics | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »

MAKE ‘EM LAUGH

Posted by Tim Bryce on December 18, 2015

BRYCE ON HUMOR

– Come on, take a moment out of your day and laugh.

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To use this segment in a Radio broadcast or Podcast, send TIM a request.

It occurred to me recently I haven’t seen too many people laughing. As for myself, I cannot remember the last time I fell down howling about something funny, and for those of you who know me personally, you know I love a good joke. Unfortunately, thanks to political correctness, it appears jokes are a thing of the past. Our gloominess may also have something to do with the state of our nation. Even in business, you don’t hear too many people raving about succuss. It seems we are all stuck in a rut and don’t know how to get out of it. I like to believe humor is the distraction we all need in this hour of distress, if for no other reason than to distract us. To this end, I am offering the following list of videos featuring humorous situations which, I hope, will cause you to at least smile. Some are old, and some are new. Either way, I hope you find something amusing in this eclectic set of subjects.

The Fielding Mellish Honeymoon Night – From the movie, “Bananas,” starring Woody Allen and featuring Louise Lasser as his recently married wife. To consummate the marriage, Allen surprises everyone by staging a fight sequence ringside in his bedroom, with Howard Cossell as the sportscaster.

Sam Kinison, Marriage and World Hunger – People from the 1980’s and 90’s will remember wild man Sam who met an unfortunate death in 1992. Kids today, are starting to discover him again. This segment was one of his first performances held at “Dangerfield’s” comedy club. Both of his subjects here are not only hilarious, but also make a valid point.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail, the Bunny Attack Scene – This is from my favorite Python movie, possessing some ot the best sight gags around. In this bit, King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table are traveling in search of the Holy Grail. Here, a guide takes them past a cave which holds great danger.

“The Magic Christian” hunting scene – an avant-garde movie featuring Peter Sellers as Sir Guy Grand, an eccentic British multimillionaire. His adopted sun is played by Ringo Starr. The two participate in a bird hunt in the English countryside with friends, except it turns into something only a multimillionaire could afford.

South Park, The Dog Whisperer – this is one of the most imaginative and avant-garde series on television. This particular episode is a favorite of mine, featuring Cesar Millan, from NATGO’s “The Dog Whisperer.” In this episode, Cesar’s dog training tricks are used to control Cartman.

Johnny Puleo & His Harmonica Gang w/Milton Berle – Held on ABC’s “Hollywood Palace” in 1965, this features the legendary Johnny Puleo in a famous slapstick routine.

Jonathan Winters roast of Johnny Carson – Winters could improvise a situation at the drop of a hat. Here, he portrays an old farm friend of Johnny’s from Nebraska.

Don Rickles & Frank Sinatra on Johnny Carson – Rickles visits Johnny’s set to make fun of Sinatra, only Frank has the last laugh.

Steve Martin, the Great Flydini – a classic magician sketch by Martin on Carson’s Tonight Show.

WC Fields, Honest John – this classic scene demonstrates how well the comedian captivated the attention of his audience simply by playing pool.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog at Star Wars release – From Conan O’Brien’s late night show, Triumph the insult comic dog is puppeteered and voiced by Robert Smigel. Conan has sent him to several unusual venues over the years ripe for his talents. In this segment, he visits a bunch of nerds waiting to attend the premier of a “Star Wars” movie.

Julio Iglesias & Johnny Carson sing – another classic from the Carson library where Johnny impersonates Willie Nelson and joins Julio in a competent duet of, “To All the Girls I Loved Before.”

If one of these segments (can get) got you to smirk, smile, or belly-laugh, than I have accomplished my mission. Go ahead crack a joke, say something politically incorrect, think outside the box. Believe me, you’ll feel better. As the cast of Monty Python said, “We all need a little silly.”

Related article:
“Our Sense of Humor” (Jan 27, 2009)

Keep the Faith!

Note: All trademarks both marked and unmarked belong to their respective companies.

Tim Bryce is a writer and the Managing Director of M&JB Investment Company (M&JB) of Palm Harbor, Florida and has over 30 years of experience in the management consulting field. He can be reached at timb001@phmainstreet.com

For Tim’s columns, see:   timbryce.com

Like the article? TELL A FRIEND.

Copyright © 2015 by Tim Bryce. All rights reserved.

NEXT UP:  2015 YEAR-END WRAP-UP – My most popular columns this year.

LAST TIME:  OUR GROWING IMMIGRATION PROBLEM  – And what should we do about it?

Listen to Tim on WJTN-AM (News Talk 1240) “The Town Square” with host John Siggins (Mon, Wed, Fri, 12:30-3:00pm Eastern); WZIG-FM (104.1) in Palm Harbor,FL; and KIT-AM 1280 in Yakima, Washington “The Morning News” with hosts Dave Ettl & Lance Tormey (weekdays. 6:00-9:00am Pacific). Or tune-in to Tim’s channel on YouTube.

Posted in humor, Life | Tagged: , , , , , | 4 Comments »

WHY OLDSTERS ARE MEAN

Posted by Tim Bryce on September 18, 2015

BRYCE ON SENIORS

– And, No, we’re not like this all the time.

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There is a general stereotype of senior citizens in this country whereby they are commonly described as either mean, cantankerous, grumpy, crotchety, irritable, impatient, sour, aloof or acerbic. There are reasons for this, most of which are caused by changing physical conditions. Allow me to explain.

As youngsters, it wasn’t uncommon for us to run around and bump into things, thereby causing a cut or scrape, but as we get older we seem to develop a magnetic attraction for bumping into things or stubbing our toes, resulting in a massive bruise the size of Peru. This is probably due to the blood thinners doctors prescribe to prevent strokes and heart attacks.

We also tend to suffer from a litany of body aches in our muscles and skeleton. It is not uncommon for lower back pain to develop or arthritis to take its toll on us, causing us to make an Advil milkshake after working in the yard. Want to really scare a senior? Just sneak up behind them and shout, “Shingles!” Weight also plays a role in our pains as we find it difficult to shed the pounds like we could in our youth. As a standard rule, if you cannot fit into a seat on an airplane, maybe its time to cut out the country fried steak and gravy.

While we’re on it, isn’t it amazing the plethora of pills doctors prescribe for seniors? Some people are required to take handfuls of pills just to make it through the day. After a while you start to think of yourself as a walking chemistry experiment. No, seniors do not want to do as the drug commercial’s suggest and, “Ask your doctor.” I am particularly fascinated how elders have embraced “sexual enhancement” drugs like Viagra and Cialis. Prior to their introduction, I never realized there was even a problem. I guess you would be mean too if you couldn’t “perform,” not to mention the feelings of your female partner.

It is not uncommon to develop hearing problems, due in large part to the head-banging loud music we listened to in our youth (thanks Led Zeppelin). We then start to wear hearing aids which we try to cleverly hide behind our hair or under a hat. Without them, we smile a lot, nod our heads, and pretend to know what people are saying around us.

In terms of eyesight, we may have had Lasik surgery to overcome cataracts and astigmatism, but we still find it difficult to read small fonts, particularly when working crossword puzzles. Cheater eyeglasses are helpful to avoid squinting, but you always keep a magnifying glass within reach.

Hair is important to both sexes. For men, as we start to lose it on our heads, it starts growing where it is not supposed to, such as ears, eyebrows, noses, and, Yes, elsewhere. Women become very concerned with the color of their hair. Some have noticed people treat them differently based on their color. A gray or silver haired woman is treated differently by the public than if they were a blonde, brunette, or redhead. Not surprising, they develop strong attachments to their beauticians.

Then there is the matter of peeing. In our younger days, we could sleep through the night regardless of the amount of beer or wine we drank. Not anymore. Now it is common to get up once, twice, even three times at night to relieve ourselves. Of course, it doesn’t help when we continue to get a drink of water or juice in the middle of the night. Some people are gluttons for punishment. Sleep deprivation obviously affects our mood.

These physical nuances play on the nerves of older people, but there are other elements which affect their temperament; for example:

We begin to notice we are becoming forgetful. Suddenly the names of old friends are hard to remember, as is remembering the titles of books, movies and music. House and car keys seem to mysteriously disappear and are found in unlikely places, such as the bathroom, a sock drawer, refrigerator, between the cracks in a sofa, or even worse, the ignition of a car. It is not uncommon for people to become unglued when they cannot find their keys, their wallet, or their purse.

As you get older you sense you are being taken for granted and, even worse, being targeted for various scams by robo-callers from Asia and Africa. “No, my computer is just fine,” I tell them, “and, No, I do not want to give you my social security number or bank account number so you can deposit a bazillion dollars into it. Get lost!”

These scams are very disturbing as smooth talking con artists find a way to prey on the innocent. Even when you demand they take you off of their calling list, they do not.

Want a fun way to get rid of such parasites? Use a foreign accent; the stranger the better. I like to use a heavy Swedish accent when I talk to such huckleberries. When I get such a call, I put down the phone and start speaking loudly, “Ya Ma, de man on de phone here says ve have a problem with our computer; that it has a bug and is infected, Ya. Jumpin Jiminy what are ve going to do? Ya Ma, you’re a right. Here, you hold the computer and I’ll spray it with de bug juice. Wow, dat was a close one.” By the time I return to the phone, the caller is long gone.

Finally, seniors suffer with the anxiety of change. Even the slightest thing seems to set them off, particularly if you alter the time they eat dinner. They believe they have a sense of humor, but do not comprehend the humor, music, fashion or movies of the day, considering all of it vulgar. Technology often pushes them over the edge. It’s a bit disconcerting for them to rely on their three year old grandson to program the television set or show them how to use a smart phone. Keep in mind, as we grow older we become more set in our ways; we know what works and what doesn’t, and any departure from this, large or small, throws us for a loop.

The next time you find a senior is a little mean or cantankerous, you now know what is causing them to act as such. Their only solace is knowing the next generation will have to follow in their footsteps and face the same problems. Misery loves company.

Keep the Faith!

Note: All trademarks both marked and unmarked belong to their respective companies.

Tim Bryce is a writer and the Managing Director of M&JB Investment Company (M&JB) of Palm Harbor, Florida and has over 30 years of experience in the management consulting field. He can be reached at timb001@phmainstreet.com

For Tim’s columns, see:   timbryce.com

Like the article? TELL A FRIEND.

Copyright © 2015 by Tim Bryce. All rights reserved.

NEXT UP:  THE DANGERS OF MAKING A REFERRAL – Be careful what you say.

LAST TIME:  HOLDING A JOB HOSTAGE  – How programmers do it, but why does management accept it?

Listen to Tim on WJTN-AM (News Talk 1240) “The Town Square” with host John Siggins (Mon, Wed, Fri, 12:30-3:00pm Eastern); WZIG-FM (104.1) in Palm Harbor,FL; and KIT-AM 1280 in Yakima, Washington “The Morning News” with hosts Dave Ettl & Lance Tormey (weekdays. 6:00-9:00am Pacific). Or tune-in to Tim’s channel on YouTube.

Posted in humor, Life | Tagged: , , , , | 7 Comments »

JUST PLAIN WEIRD

Posted by Tim Bryce on June 26, 2015

BRYCE ON LIFE

– Some obscure observations on the mysteries of life.

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To use this segment in a Radio broadcast or Podcast, send TIM a request.

I have always found the little nuances of life to be bewildering. You know, things we tend to overlook or take for granted. Yet, when you examine them closely, you wonder why there are the way they are. For example, have you ever noticed the “cups” marked on a coffee pot? Mine shows twelve, but I can barely get six cups of coffee out of them. Maybe the manufacturer doesn’t have the same interpretation of “cup” that I have or the pots are designed for Munchkins. Then again, most of these pots are made in China.

I’m always amazed by the numerous amounts of “spam” e-mails I receive on a daily basis. No matter how many “junk” filters I add, I still receive four times more garbage than regular mail, but I guess this is essentially no different when we were receiving regular mail through the post office. I find it particularly annoying when I receive an e-mail from a stranger stating, “I’m doing great and miss seeing you! Let’s get together and get updated!” You then rack your brain wondering if it is legitimate and, of course, it isn’t.

Do squirrels poop? I’ve never seen it. I’ve seen just about every other animal defecate, be it birds, dogs, cats, even fish, but never squirrels. Maybe they store it away with their nuts.

I hate it when belts no longer work. Young men may like to show their underwear. I, for one, do not. As we get older, our body changes. In my case, I have lost weight and find it embarrassing when the pants begin to fall off my waist, particularly in the company of others. Constantly pulling up your pants may be indicative you have a bladder or bowel problem. I don’t, just a hard time keeping the pants up. Maybe it’s time for suspenders.

I have always thought golf should be played by speed, kind of like croquet or polo on steroids. You win by a combination of strokes and time. At least it would make the game more interesting than it currently is.

As I grow older, I have more difficulty understanding what young people say. For example, I am at a loss as to when they text such words as “On fleek,” “YOLD,” “Bae,” “Turnt up,” and “Dat Ass Doe.” I suspect I really do not want to know. Maybe English is morphing into another language altogether.

Have I ever mentioned how much I detest MS Windoze? It interrupted me twice this morning installing updates and re-configuring my register; all rather slowly I might add. Plus, I am sick of having to use the “three finger salute” (Ctrl+Alt+Del) on a daily basis. If this is “State of the Art,” we’re in big trouble.

Whenever you find yourself liking something, science suddenly steps in and condemns it. Of course, years later, they retract their condemnation and say it was all a mistake, but never apologize for it. I’m still waiting for scientists to renege on tobacco.

What demented souls write crossword puzzles? Instead of a single word to match a clue, they now use multiple words in an answer, usually to form a vague quotation. The puzzlers like to reference geography, but I still do not know where the Cardiff River is located. How about something in the United States? And I really do not care to know the country where “Quechua” is the official language. They also like to reference obscure authors, poets, movie directors, and singers, as if we would really know the identity of these people. I generally do well with clues involving Roman numerals, but I pity those who were never taught this in grade school.

Crossword puzzles seem to get progressively harder as the week goes on. This means we have to waste more time solving them. The only benefit I see from working on these puzzles, it forces you to learn how to use a dictionary and thesaurus. Thank God for Internet crossword solvers, such as Wordplays.com. I believe the reason why most crossword puzzles do not bear the puzzler’s name, is because people would hunt them down and kill them like the dogs they are.

Keep the Faith!

Note: All trademarks both marked and unmarked belong to their respective companies.

Tim Bryce is a writer and the Managing Director of M&JB Investment Company (M&JB) of Palm Harbor, Florida and has over 30 years of experience in the management consulting field. He can be reached at timb001@phmainstreet.com

For Tim’s columns, see:   timbryce.com

Like the article? TELL A FRIEND.

Copyright © 2015 by Tim Bryce. All rights reserved.

NEXT UP:  THE JACKSON/TUBMAN DEBATE – Which face belongs on the twenty dollar bill?

LAST TIME:  TECHNOLOGY’S EFFECT ON SOCIETY  – Technology is an effective tool for civil unrest and war.

Listen to Tim on WJTN-AM (News Talk 1240) “The Town Square” with host John Siggins (Mon, Wed, Fri, 12:30-3:00pm Eastern); WZIG-FM (104.1) in Palm Harbor,FL; and KIT-AM 1280 in Yakima, Washington “The Morning News” with hosts Dave Ettl & Lance Tormey (weekdays. 6:00-9:00am Pacific). Or tune-in to Tim’s channel on YouTube.

Posted in humor, Life | Tagged: , , , , | 4 Comments »

DRIVING CIRCLES AROUND DISNEY

Posted by Tim Bryce on May 15, 2015

BRYCE ON LIFE

– How a seemingly easy drive turned into a nightmare.

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To use this segment in a Radio broadcast or Podcast, send TIM a request.

I recently attended a meeting at the Disney World complex near Orlando. Actually, it was held at a Hilton Hotel, a non-Disney property operating in the complex. Although I’ve been to Orlando many times, I haven’t been to Disney since the kids were little. I don’t have a GPS in my car, so, to make sure I knew where I was going, I printed a map from the Internet which I assumed was accurate and the directions looked familiar to me. Normally, it takes me about an hour and a half to drive from Tampa to Disney, but on this particular evening it took over three hours. No, there weren’t any accidents, no heavy traffic, no construction, no obnoxious drivers to follow; just Disney.

According to the map, I was to turn off I-4 west at the main Disney interchange (World Center Drive which becomes Epcot Center Drive) which leads you to Epcot and the Hilton which I was led to believe was close to Epcot. Okay, fine, got it, no problem, let’s go. As I made the proper turnoff from I-4, I began my trek down Epcot Center Drive, which is a well sculpted boulevard featuring all kinds of Disney eye-candy. Traffic control appears to be a big concern with the Disney people and they had numerous signs guiding motorists to the various Disney properties. I was hoping I might see a billboard or some sign to direct me to the Hilton, but alas, nothing but Disney signs which started to become irritating.

Before I knew it, I found myself approaching the Epcot resort which allegedly was near my hotel, so I felt a glimmer of hope. I thought I would stop and ask someone at the parking gates for directions. Unfortunately, I discovered that after 7:00pm, the gates are wide open and there wasn’t an attendant to be found. Okay, I’m near Epcot, the map says I’m not far away, but for some reason I couldn’t find any of the roads on the map. My male stubbornness began to surface as I told myself to keep pushing on, there has got to be someone around here who can help me. As I was to discover, there wasn’t. By now, I was starting to get a great behind-the-scenes tour of Disney as I found myself traversing the many access roads around the park (Epcot Center Road was well behind me by this time). In addition to the big parks and main resorts, I drove by the Tower of Terror, the monorail maintenance depot, several emergency areas, a secluded golf course, a dog kennel, and tons of parking. Actually, I saw more of Disney that evening than I did with my kids years ago. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a single human being to talk to. There was nothing but bus and tram operators dropping off guests to pick up their cars in the parking lots, everything else was automated. The whole place was on autopilot and I got the unsettling feeling that the only human being controlling all of this was in Teaneck, New Jersey. Heck, I would have even settled for Goofy to give me directions, but I think he had already turned in for the night (probably at the Hilton).

Around and around I went with nothing but Disney signs directing me to their next resort. Somehow I broke out of the vicious circle and found myself in a daze heading towards Tampa on I-4. Okay, I told myself not to panic but to turn around at the next exit which, unfortunately, was something called the Osceola Parkway, a toll road which did nothing to improve my personality. Nonetheless, I persevered and pressed on. Now desperate, I pulled the car off to the side of the road and called the hotel who was finally able to talk me down like an airplane landing at a fog covered runway. Interestingly, my Internet map had gotten it completely wrong. More disturbing to me though, was the absence of any sign to a non-Disney property, and the lack of human-beings to help point me in the right direction. I would have even welcomed a private radio network like you see at airports which offer driving instructions. No, the Disney folks were content to have me circle the complex over and over again like I was in the Daytona 500.

I found this experience nightmarish and it certainly didn’t endear me to Disney. Not surprising, I discovered several other motorists caught in the same trap I was in and are probably still circling around the complex.

If you talk to a Disney employee, he or she will proudly proclaim they work for “The Mouse.”
This may be so, but someone needs to tell the Disney people that there is a rat in the traffic department.

Originally Published: April 12, 2010

Keep the Faith!

Note: All trademarks both marked and unmarked belong to their respective companies.

Tim Bryce is a writer and the Managing Director of M&JB Investment Company (M&JB) of Palm Harbor, Florida and has over 30 years of experience in the management consulting field. He can be reached at timb001@phmainstreet.com

For Tim’s columns, see:  timbryce.com

Like the article? TELL A FRIEND.

Copyright © 2015 by Tim Bryce. All rights reserved.

NEXT UP:  THE POWER OF PRAYER – Does it really work?

LAST TIME:  OUR FASCINATION WITH TRAINS  – How we perceive our trains is how we perceive America.

Listen to Tim on WJTN-AM (News Talk 1240) “The Town Square” with host John Siggins (Mon, Wed, Fri, 12:30-3:00pm Eastern); WZIG-FM (104.1) in Palm Harbor,FL; and KIT-AM 1280 in Yakima, Washington “The Morning News” with hosts Dave Ettl & Lance Tormey (weekdays. 6:00-9:00am Pacific). Or tune-in to Tim’s channel on YouTube.

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THE WIT OF GROUCHO MARX

Posted by Tim Bryce on March 21, 2014

BRYCE ON HUMOR

– The art of language.

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Today’s style of humor can probably best be described as “In your face,” meaning it leaves nothing to the imagination. It’s very graphic. Back when radio was the primary entertainment vehicle, comics had to be more precise in their language in order to paint a picture for their audience. Comedians such as Jack Benny and Fred Allen understood this and used it to conjure up images, as did “Fibber McGee and Molly.”

The king of oratory though was Groucho Marx of Marx Brothers fame. Whereas his brother Chico portrayed an Italian, and Harpo the fun loving mute, Groucho was charged with keeping the dialog moving along with wise cracks. His genius was his ability to twist grammar and capitalize on the double entendre of the English language. As a listener, you had to pay attention or you might miss one of his throw-away lines. You just couldn’t see it coming. By doing so, he exhausted listeners due to the mental gymnastics he put you through.

His more legendary lines include:

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.”

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”

“I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.”

“Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?”

“If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.”

“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”

“When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face. That’s the price she has to pay.”

“Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.”

Margaret Dumont was one of his favorite foils in his movies. Here are a couple of examples of the banter between the two:

Dumont: “Why, that reminds me of my youth!!”
Groucho: “He must be a pretty big boy by now.”

Groucho: “Do you follow me?”
Dumont: “Yes!”
Groucho: “Well, you better stop following me, or I’ll have you arrested.”

Groucho: “Why don’t you marry me?”
Dumont: “Why, marry you?”
Groucho: “You take me, and I’ll take a vacation. I’ll need a vacation if we’re going to get married. Married! I can see you right now in the kitchen, bending over a hot stove. But I can’t see the stove!”

Dumont: “Oh, I’m afraid after we’re married a while a beautiful young girl will come along and you’ll forget all about me.”
Groucho: “Don’t be silly. I’ll write you twice a week.”

Groucho also had the ability to make the listener think:

“Do you mind if I don’t smoke?”

“I sent the club a wire stating, “PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON’T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT PEOPLE LIKE ME AS A MEMBER.”

“Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.”

“A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.”

“Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.”

“My favorite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.”

“What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.”

That joke went over a lot of people’s heads.

I also saw him participate in a roast of Johnny Carson at the Friar’s Club. His description of his dressing room was excellent, and the video is available on YouTube.

“Let me give you an idea of the friendship Johnny Carson and I have for each other. I was on Johnny Carson’s very first Tonight Show, six years ago. I’ll never forget the first night I met him, and heaven knows I’ve tried. I was in my dressing room, at least that is what they said it was. It was the only dressing room I had seen with twelve sinks. He rushed in, dropped some change in the machine, bought a comb, a nail clipper, a squirt of perfume and he left. The last time I saw him was 40 minutes ago. I had the same dressing room. Two sinks had been removed. He came in and said, “Boy am I glad you’re here; The nail clipper doesn’t work.” For your information Mr. Carson, the perfume has worn off too.”

And, Yes, it was Groucho who asked “Who’s buried in Grant’s tomb?”

I’m still amazed how many people never got it.

Through his use of the English language, Groucho exhibited a playfulness with his audience which endeared them to him. Sometimes his comments were suggestive, others were more innocent. He never had to be crude to captivate his fans, he just had to make them think.

Keep the Faith!

Note: All trademarks both marked and unmarked belong to their respective companies.

Tim Bryce is a writer and the Managing Director of M&JB Investment Company (M&JB) of Palm Harbor, Florida and has over 30 years of experience in the management consulting field. He can be reached at timb001@phmainstreet.com

For Tim’s columns, see:
timbryce.com

Like the article? TELL A FRIEND.

Copyright © 2014 by Tim Bryce. All rights reserved.

NEXT UP:  THE POLITICAL FINANCIERS – Who really funds our electoral process? No, really?

LAST TIME:  THE AGE OF DARKNESS  – Are we still seeking truth and knowledge, or are we pacified by the status quo?

Listen to Tim on WJTN-AM (News Talk 1240) “The Town Square” with host John Siggins (Mon, Wed, Fri, 12:30-3:00pm Eastern), KIT-AM 1280 in Yakima, Washington “The Morning News” with hosts Dave Ettl & Lance Tormey (weekdays. 6:00-9:00am Pacific), and KGAB-AM (650) of Cheyenne, Wyoming. Or tune-in to Tim’s channel on YouTube.

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MY “CROWNING” ACHIEVEMENT

Posted by Tim Bryce on March 15, 2013

BRYCE ON DENTISTS

– Why my visit to the dentist was like digging the English Chunnel.

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To use this segment in a Radio broadcast or Podcast, send TIM a request.

Aside from a few fillings when I was young, I have been blessed with some rather good teeth. Year-in and year-out I’ve dutifully visited my dentist for cleanings and have kept them in good shape. On a recent visit though, my dental hygienist found I had broken a back molar thereby requiring a crown. To dentists, this is like hitting pay-dirt as I discovered crowns can be an expensive proposition. It’s not uncommon to pay in excess of $1,000 for a crown. Fortunately, I was covered by dental insurance, which brought the out-of-pocket expense down considerably, but I was mindful how expensive the procedure can be. Many years ago, it wasn’t too expensive, but inflation and the technology of the 21st century changed all that.

On the day I arrived for my procedure, the dental assistants began with a battery of preparations before allowing the dentist to work on me. I was asked to bite down on a big wad of Silly Putty in order to make an impression of my teeth. Whatever it was, it actually tasted like the famous polymer I played with years ago. As I bit into it, the suction of the putty was so strong that it seemed it was extracting every filling in my mouth. When they pulled the final impression out, I was relieved to see none of the fillings were attached.

Next, they used a long cotton swab to apply Novocaine to deaden the senses around my molar. Years ago I remember the dentists used a long ominous looking needle to apply Novocaine. To a little kid, the Novocaine needle could be terrifying. So much so, people preferred using “Laughing Gas” (“Nitrous Oxide”) as opposed to facing the needle. I’m glad someone invented a simpler and less threatening means for applying the local anesthetic.

The next step was to insert a variety of things in my mouth, such as rolls of cotton to provide a buffer between my cheek and gums, and a massive piece of plastic to pry my mouth open at a specific angle allowing the dentist easy access to the tooth in question. It felt like a miniature sawhorse and worked just as effectively. A breathing tube was added, along with suction to draw my saliva away.

The dentist then made his appearance and after a few pleasantries, he applied some microscopic lenses to his glasses, which looked like a couple of Bic pens, and thus he began using a whirling drill to sand down my molar. The drill proved to be very effective and I listened carefully as he whirled and chiseled my tooth down to size. A couple of times I could see smoke coming from my mouth. My eyes must have expressed alarm as the dental assistants quickly assured me my mouth wasn’t on fire, that it was just a little steam. Since when does steam smell like burning flesh? I could have easily lit a cigarette if I wanted to. I persevered nonetheless.

As I sat there and let the dental staff have their way with me, it occurred to me the operation had turned into something resembling the digging of the English Chunnel. There were workmen with lights and safety glasses protected by barricades and sawhorses as they drilled down into the cavern. Lines were inserted to pump air into the chasm and water out of it. The analogy was so strong, I had the unsettling feeling I was being worked over by the Department of Transportation as opposed to a medical team.

After much work, the molar had been trimmed to size and a temporary crown put into place using a caulk gun which seemed appropriate for a construction job. As the dentist finished, the assistants cleared my mouth of debris and equipment and traffic resumed. I just hope they picked up all of the cigarette butts. As I was leaving, I didn’t know whether I should just thank the staff or take them out for a beer afterwards.

I still have the final crown to be fitted and inserted, but this shouldn’t be as big of a job as the Chunnel. It was an interesting experience and I think I can now relate to those friends of mine who have had an inordinate amount of work performed on their teeth. In the end, all I can say is, “Thank God for Novocaine.”

Keep the Faith!

Note: All trademarks both marked and unmarked belong to their respective companies.

Tim Bryce is a writer and the Managing Director of M&JB Investment Company (M&JB) of Palm Harbor, Florida and has over 30 years of experience in the management consulting field. He can be reached at timb001@phmainstreet.com

For Tim’s columns, see:
timbryce.com

Like the article? TELL A FRIEND.

Copyright © 2013 by Tim Bryce. All rights reserved.

NEXT UP:  THE DEATH OF PROFESSIONAL COURTESY – What ever happened to “The Golden Rule”?

Listen to Tim on WJTN-AM (News Talk 1240) “The Town Square” with host John Siggins (Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, 12:30-3:00pm ET), and KGAB-AM 650 “The Morning Zone” with host Dave Chaffin (weekdays. 6:00-10:00am MST). Or tune-in to Tim’s channel on YouTube.

Also look for Tim’s postings in the Palm Harbor Patch, The Gentlemen’s Association, and throughout the Internet.

Posted in humor, Life | Tagged: , , , , | 6 Comments »

THE JOE BIDEN FOLLIES

Posted by Tim Bryce on September 19, 2012

BRYCE ON POLITICS

– The Michael Scott of the Obama Administration.

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Vice President Joe Biden has become the poster child for flubs and gaffes. Quite often the President has had to take action for something his VP has said and spin it to make it more palatable to the public. In a way, Mr. Biden reminds me of the Michael Scott character on NBC’s “The Office” whereby he speaks to the camera to make some sort of witticism which is either baffling or just plain embarrassing. The Vice President’s blunders are well documented in both print and video. On “YouTube” for example, there is quite a library of his most embarrassing remarks.

When interviewed on NBC’s “Meet the Press,” Biden delighted Republicans by referring to Governor Mitt Romney as “President Romney.” He also seemed to have trouble understanding who exactly he worked for as he referred to the president as “President Clinton.”

His most recent faux pas was in Virginia when he said, “Look at what they (Republicans) value, and look at their budget. And look what they’re proposing. (Romney) said in the first 100 days, he’s going to let the big banks write their own rules — unchain Wall Street. They’re going to put y’all back in chains.”

This little remark angered the black community on both sides of the aisle and caused the administration to go into damage control.

In Athens, Ohio (and home of my Alma Mater), the Veep experienced a problem in counting; “Look, John’s last-minute economic plan does nothing to tackle the number-one job facing the middle class, and it happens to be, as Barack says, a three-letter word: jobs. J-O-B-S, jobs.”

Somehow this incident reminded me of the Dan Quayle 1994 “potato” spelling error, except without the fanfare from the press.

For an administration extremely sensitive to racial remarks, they cringed when they heard Biden say on C-SPAN, “You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent…. I’m not joking.”

In April 2012, Biden tried to defend the president’s foreign policy by making a comparison to Teddy Roosevelt’s “Big Stick” policy; “Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far. I promise you, the President has a big stick. I promise you.”

Like Michael Scott, he was puzzled why his remarks resulted in gales of laughter from the audience.

In welcoming the Irish Prime Minister to the White House in March 2012, he shared “An old Irish saying; May the hinges of our friendship never go rusty,” and when describing the relationship between the two countries, he insisted, “there’s no doubt about them staying oiled and lubricated here.”

I’m sure the Irish PM is still shaking his head over this stereotype.

This has been but a small sampling of the Vice President’s gaffes. There are, of course, many more. He has consistently made statements which have embarrassed not only the administration but Americans everywhere, yet the press treats him with kid gloves and merely says, “Oh, that Joe, there he goes again.” Had a Republican made any one of these comments, he would have been unmercifully attacked by the press. Dan Quayle is an excellent example, any slip of the tongue by the VP during his term and the media chastized and berated him. The same was true with Sarah Palin when she ran as John McCain’s vice presidential nominee. So much for “fair and balanced.”

The one remark of Biden’s which I consider somewhat prophetic was in 2008 when he said, “Make no mistake about this. Hillary Clinton is as qualified or more qualified than I am to be vice president of the United States of America.”

Wow, he got that one right. We certainly do not need a Michael Scott as Vice President.

Keep the Faith!

Note: All trademarks both marked and unmarked belong to their respective companies.

Tim Bryce is a writer and the Managing Director of M&JB Investment Company (M&JB) of Palm Harbor, Florida and has over 30 years of experience in the management consulting field. He can be reached at timb001@phmainstreet.com

For Tim’s columns, see:
timbryce.com

Like the article? TELL A FRIEND.

Copyright © 2012 by Tim Bryce. All rights reserved.


NEXT UP: 
TALKING TO THE ANIMALS – The death of discourse, another casualty of the 21st century.


Listen to Tim on WJTN-AM (News Talk 1240) “The Town Square” with host John Siggins (Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, (12:30-3:00pm).

Also look for Tim’s postings in the Palm Harbor Patch and throughout the Internet.

Posted in humor, Politics | Tagged: , , , , , | 6 Comments »

A LITTLE SILLY

Posted by Tim Bryce on September 14, 2012

BRYCE ON OUR CHANGING WORLD

– Why we need a light hearted distraction now and then.

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There’s not too much to laugh about these days; unemployment is still high, our economy is still in shambles, and the media has the general populace whipped into a frenzy over the elections in the Fall. In fact, the general disposition of the country is rather depressing, which is why it is refreshing to see or hear something that lifts our spirits, something a little silly. As for me, not long ago I was waiting in line at my bank’s drive-in window when a man drove up on a red motorcycle whom I judged to be in his sixties. This was no ordinary motorcycle as it had an attached sidecar with a golden retriever proudly perched inside wearing goggles and a red bandana. It appeared the dog was enjoying himself immensely and didn’t seem encumbered by the attire his owner had dressed him in. The sight of the dog stopped everyone in their tracks, both in and outside of the bank. The bank tellers called their colleagues to the window to see him, and the other patrons waiting in line rolled down their window to get a better look. He was simply a very cool pooch who seemed to enjoy the attention, as did his master.

This particular couple have become regulars in our area and are often seen on the roadways around Palm Harbor, a tiny community on the suncoast of Florida. Everywhere the two go, they are met by smiles and pointed fingers. They lift the spirits of people wherever they go. Golden retrievers are pretty cool dogs to begin with, but when you add goggles and a bandana, they become real hams. It’s as if they know what they’re doing and are daring you not to laugh. I’ve seen other types of dogs sitting in sidecars, but the golden retriever seems to own it, particularly if he is dressed properly.

Now, more than ever we need a little silly in our lives. Walking around in a depressed or angry mood can make for some rather deep psychological scars. It is important to now and then do something a little silly thereby lifting the mood of others and ourselves. I believe our friend with the motorcycle is very cognizant of this, which is why the pair take to the streets like Batman and Robin to bring a little cheer to the citizens of our area. We don’t know exactly who the Dynamic Duo are, as their goggles conceal their identity, but they are warmly welcomed wherever they go. It’s a nice little silly that can break the tension regardless of who you are or the problems you are experiencing. For one brief moment, you cannot help by being distracted, thanks to a little silly.

Keep the Faith!

Note: All trademarks both marked and unmarked belong to their respective companies.

Tim Bryce is a writer and the Managing Director of M&JB Investment Company (M&JB) of Palm Harbor, Florida and has over 30 years of experience in the management consulting field. He can be reached at timb001@phmainstreet.com

For Tim’s columns, see:
timbryce.com

Like the article? TELL A FRIEND.

Copyright © 2012 by Tim Bryce. All rights reserved.


NEXT UP: 
UNDERSTANDING CORPORATE CULTURE – In order for employees to function and succeed, it is essential they understand and believe in the culture.


Listen to Tim on WJTN-AM (News Talk 1240) “The Town Square” with host John Siggins (Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, (12:30-3:00pm).

Also look for Tim’s postings in the Palm Harbor Patch and throughout the Internet.

Posted in humor, Life | Tagged: , , , , | 7 Comments »

 
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