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Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

MAKE ‘EM LAUGH

Posted by Tim Bryce on August 23, 2018

BRYCE ON HUMOR

– Come on, loosen up and laugh.

Click for AUDIO VERSION.
To use this segment in a Radio broadcast or Podcast, send TIM a request.

It doesn’t seem long ago that I would hear someone in the office start the day off with, “Hey, did you hear the one about…” I don’t think too many people tell jokes anymore either because we have plugged into some device and tuned out the world, or because we are too sensitive to political correctness.

According to Helpguide.org, an independent publication aimed at mental and emotional health, laughter is strong medicine. It boosts immunity, lowers stress hormones, decreases pain, relaxes your muscles, and prevents heart disease. It also adds joy and zest to life, eases anxiety and tension, improves mood, strengthens relationships with others, enhances teamwork, and more. In other words, we need to laugh, but we don’t seem to do enough of it lately, particularly in the office where we really need it.

I tend to see humor as a reflection of our moral values; what is considered risque is usually based on some moral taboo. Take comedians Buddy Hackett and Don Rickles for example; Hackett told some rather bawdy jokes that could make some people blush, as did Joan Rivers, and Rickles would make fun of your race, age, weight, language, IQ, etc. Everybody used to love these people and it would be Standing Room Only in Las Vegas to see them. Such comedy though is gone, and nobody would dare try to replicate their acts today as they would be perceived as racists, anti-feminists, and just plain crass.

Consider how Saturday Night Live has changed over the years. Whereas they were originally known for some imaginative avant garde humor that was hilarious, now it is nothing more than cheap political jokes. Late Night Talk Shows are no different.

As a kid, I loved the Sunday funnies and read every strip. But the funnies aren’t too funny anymore and the creativity of a Charles Schultz, Walt Kelly, Al Capp, Gary Larson, and Bill Watterson is long gone.

More than anything, I miss hearing a good joke. Today, when I visit one of the non-profit groups I belong to, the younger members will ask me to tell some of the jokes I heard from my travels through the corporate world. They may be ancient to me, some as old as 40 years, but in today’s society where jokes are generally frowned upon, they are new to the next generation and they love it.

Let me see if I can give you an example, this is one I heard from a neighbor years ago (I have to clean it up a little):

One day, an elementary school teacher was trying to teach some lessons of morality. She asked the class, “Can anyone tell me a story which leads to a moral lesson?”

Little Betsy raised her hand and said, “I can teacher. Not long ago I was visiting my grandparents’ farm in the country. They asked me to collect the eggs in the hen house and bring them inside. I collected all of them and put them in a basket. However, I accidentally tripped and dropped the basket, breaking all of the eggs in the process.”

“And what was the lesson learned there?” the teacher asked.

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket,” Betsy replied.

“That’s very good Betsy, that is the type of story I’m looking for. Is there anyone else?”

Little Sally raised her hand and said, “I have somewhat of a similar story. I was visiting a friend recently who had an incubator with twelve chicken eggs in it. We watched in amazement as they all began to hatch. Unfortunately, my friend tripped over the power cord causing the incubator to turn over, break the eggs, and kill all of the chickens.”

“And what was the lesson learned there?” the teacher asked.

“Don’t count your chickens before they hatch,” Sally said.

“Very good. Has anyone else got a story with a moral they would like to share?”

“I do teacher,” little Eddie said as he waved his hand. “My Uncle John was a pilot in Viet Nam during the war. One day he was flying a cargo mission and was shot down by the North Vietnamese. He crash landed in the jungle, and was only able to save his M60 machine gun, a machete, and a case of beer stored on the aircraft. He hid out in the jungle hoping a chopper would pick him up. After he had finished drinking all of the beer, he was discovered by the Viet Cong who attacked him. In defense, he took out his M60 and killed fifty of them. When he ran out of bullets, he used his machete to kill fifteen more, and when his blade broke, he killed five more with his bare hands.”

The teacher looked ashen at little Eddie reeling from his tale. She stammered, “And what…what…what is the moral of that story?” she asked.

“You don’t screw with my Uncle John when he’s drunk.”

Yea, I know, the joke is not politically correct and appears to be insensitive to life, but it has also resulted in gales of laughter both yesterday and today. It also illustrates how our sense of humor has changed.

Frankly, we need to loosen up a bit and quit taking ourselves too seriously.

Fortunately, there are still some sources of humor, but you have to sniff them out. Here are some different video segments and television commercials I have enjoyed over the last few years. I am sure most are now considered politically incorrect.

Key & Peele – Substitute Teacher

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

Bud Lite Dog

Bud Lite History

Bud Lite Invisible Fence

Bud Lite Institute

Captain Morgan Spiced Rum

Hahn Beer

Haynes Baked Beans

Sony

Trunk Monkey

Verizon – Yes, Yes

As Larry the Cable Guy would say, “I’m sorry, but that’s just plain funny.”

Come on, snap out of it and LAUGH!

Keep the Faith!

Note: All trademarks both marked and unmarked belong to their respective companies.

Tim Bryce is a writer and the Managing Director of M&JB Investment Company (M&JB) of Palm Harbor, Florida and has over 40 years of experience in the management consulting field. He can be reached at timb001@phmainstreet.com

For Tim’s columns, see:   timbryce.com

Like the article? TELL A FRIEND.

Copyright © 2018 by Tim Bryce. All rights reserved.

Listen to Tim on WZIG-FM (104.1) in Palm Harbor,FL; Or tune-in to Tim’s channel on YouTube. Click for TIM’S LIBRARY OF AUDIO CLIPS.

 

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MY HIGHWAY PARANOIA

Posted by Tim Bryce on February 21, 2018

BRYCE ON TRAFFIC

– What happens when we do not cooperate on the highway.

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To use this segment in a Radio broadcast or Podcast, send TIM a request.

You do not see much in the way of cooperation these days. Socially and politically we cannot seem to get along any more. We see this in the office, in stores, and particularly in supermarkets where we are not mindful of others and hog the aisles to serve our own personal interests. I still believe painting a dashed line down the middle of the aisles would be an interesting experiment to see if people would keep their grocery carts on one side or the other.

There is perhaps no better illustration of our lack of cooperation than on the highway. We have gone well beyond mere road hogs and rubber-neckers to now include people text messaging, speaking on their phone, checking their social media postings, shaving or fixing their hair. In other words, doing everything but driving their automobile properly. It’s all about the individual and actually quite frightening. The biggest problem though is people give the impression they simply do not care and refuse to cooperate with other motorists, such as to allow others to enter traffic, to stay out of the passing lane until you need it, not going too slow or fast thereby becoming a hazard, and many other things.

The lack of cooperation on the highway is so prevalent, I’m starting to believe there is a premeditated effort to keep me off the streets. As I drive around, I believe the other motorists are in constant communications over the radio and trying to thwart my every move. For example:

* Tsst – “Breaker, breaker, subject has left his neighborhood and is heading eastbound on Alderman. All units Code 2.”

* Tsst – “Copy that. Road Block 1 is rolling and taking position in front of him. Road Block 2 will come along side to box him in. We’ll slow him down to 25.”

* Tsst – “This is Dispatch – Road Block 2, play your radio loud, preferably Rap, and make sure he sees you texting, that should really push him over the edge.”

* Tsst – “10-4.”

* Tsst – “This is Dispatch – We’re changing the traffic lights in front of him to red. How long should he wait?”

* Tsst – “At least six minutes, make it ten if possible.”

* Tsst – “10-4.”

* Tsst – “Breaker, breaker 10-33. The subject suddenly slipped into the left turning lane and will be heading north bound on US19. We are stuck and must continue east on Alderman to avoid suspicion. Need assistance. Urgent”

* Tsst – “This is Big Red over in the northeast corner of 19 and Alderman. I see him and will intercept. Will need backup to keep him in the right lane.”

* Tsst – “This is Dispatch, Over to you Big Red and thanks for the assist. Road Block 6 is taking up position one quarter mile north of you, dressed as an elderly couple and bearing Ontario plates. They will box him in and force him over to the next School Bus stop.”

* Tsst – “But it’s Sunday, over.”

* Tsst – “Not to worry. He won’t know what hit him.”

* Tsst – “This is Big Red, it looks like the subject has spotted us and is speeding away from our blockade. Please advise.”

* Tsst – “This is Dispatch, I have a Rice Burner on the way that will overtake him and force him to the middle lane where we’ll get him back under control.”

* Tsst – “Rice Burner X here. I have the subject in my sights. I have to weave through traffic to catch him. Doing 90. One moment please.”

* Tsst – “Rice Burner X again, I just about had him, but he suddenly pulled a u-turn and is now heading southbound on 19… Wait, it looks like he is heading to a Chili’s Restaurant.”

* Tsst – “This is Dispatch. Good, then we’ve got him. Execute Plan P and fill up the parking lot so he cannot stop there. Good job everyone. We got him again.”

* Tsst – (Various rounds of congratulatory remarks are made).

Some people will say I’m being much too paranoid about driving, but I contend the lack of cooperation on the highways is such that there can be no other logical explanation for the driving habits of a lot of people. Just remember, next time you hit the road and start to experience trouble with your fellow motorists, look to see if they are on their radios and take evasive action accordingly. TSST!

Keep the Faith!

Note: All trademarks both marked and unmarked belong to their respective companies.

Tim Bryce is a writer and the Managing Director of M&JB Investment Company (M&JB) of Palm Harbor, Florida and has over 40 years of experience in the management consulting field. He can be reached at timb001@phmainstreet.com

For Tim’s columns, see:   timbryce.com

Like the article? TELL A FRIEND.

Copyright © 2018 by Tim Bryce. All rights reserved.

Listen to Tim on WZIG-FM (104.1) in Palm Harbor,FL; Or tune-in to Tim’s channel on YouTube. Click for TIM’S LIBRARY OF AUDIO CLIPS.

 

Posted in humor, Transportation | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »

DOING WHAT IS RIGHT WILL KILL YOU

Posted by Tim Bryce on February 14, 2018

BRYCE ON HEALTH

– File this under “The Nuances of Life.”

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To use this segment in a Radio broadcast or Podcast, send TIM a request.

I am convinced if you did everything people told you to do to maintain a healthy lifestyle you would never get anything done. For example, exercise consumes a lot of time, whether it is performed in your house or offsite at a gym. Since I elect to go to the gym, I find I must change clothes, travel to it’s location, work out, return home, clean up and change clothes. No matter how I try to expedite the process, it’s an easy hour shot.

Playing a round of golf, going for a walk or a ride on a bicycle may be fun, but it also chews up time and zaps your energy. I recently took a sauna, something I haven’t done in a long time. It was refreshing, but I had to change clothes and wait for the unit to warm up. Afterwards I had to take a shower, my second of the day, to clean myself properly before going out for the evening. Again, another hour shot.

Buying and consuming certain groceries and vitamin pills consumes time as well. We’re admonished to eat organically. As much as we would like to avoid preservatives, fatty foods, breads and pastas, and sweets, it can become challenging to find new and creative ways to make meals. Shopping takes longer, as does cooking.

You try to avoid the boob tube and do some reading, but interferences seem to get in the way. Consequently, it seems to take longer to read a book.

Smoking and alcohol can take up quite a lot of time. As I no longer smoke or consume much alcohol, except for the occasional Scotch, I would like to think I have more free time to relax. Instead, I find myself spending more time outside pruning bushes or digging up a garden.

I’ve been so good lately in terms of watching what I eat and drink, I’m ready to scream, rip off my clothes, pound down a case of beer and eat a dozen Twinkies. Doing the right thing all the time can drive you stark raving mad. And if I did so, I would probably get a lot done as opposed to worrying about the idiosyncrasies of my health.

My luck is such that if I remain incredibly healthy, from exercise and diet, I’m more likely to be run over by a truck. At my funeral I’m sure they’ll say, “Well, at least he looks good, but he should have laid off the red meat.” You can’t win.

Keep the Faith!

Note: All trademarks both marked and unmarked belong to their respective companies.

Tim Bryce is a writer and the Managing Director of M&JB Investment Company (M&JB) of Palm Harbor, Florida and has over 40 years of experience in the management consulting field. He can be reached at timb001@phmainstreet.com

For Tim’s columns, see:   timbryce.com

Like the article? TELL A FRIEND.

Copyright © 2018 by Tim Bryce. All rights reserved.

Listen to Tim on WZIG-FM (104.1) in Palm Harbor,FL; Or tune-in to Tim’s channel on YouTube. Click for TIM’S LIBRARY OF AUDIO CLIPS.

 

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A LITTLE SILLY

Posted by Tim Bryce on December 15, 2017

BRYCE ON LIFE

– Why we need a light hearted distraction now and then.

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To use this segment in a Radio broadcast or Podcast, send TIM a request.

There’s not too much to laugh about these days; the country is still polarized politically, and the main stream media has the general populace whipped into a frenzy over just about everything. In fact, the general disposition of the country is rather depressing, which is why it is refreshing to see or hear something that lifts our spirits, something a little silly. As for me, not long ago I was waiting in line at my bank’s drive-in window when a man drove up on a red motorcycle whom I judged to be in his sixties. This was no ordinary motorcycle as it had an attached sidecar with a golden retriever proudly perched inside wearing goggles and a red bandana. It appeared the dog was enjoying himself immensely and didn’t seem encumbered by the attire his owner had dressed him in. The sight of the dog stopped everyone in their tracks, both in and outside of the bank. The bank tellers called their colleagues to the window to see him, and the other patrons waiting in line rolled down their window to get a better look. He was simply a very cool pooch who seemed to enjoy the attention, as did his master.

This particular couple have become regulars in our area and are often seen on the roadways around Palm Harbor, a tiny community on the suncoast of Florida. Everywhere the two go, they are met by smiles and pointed fingers. They lift the spirits of people wherever they go. Golden retrievers are pretty cool dogs to begin with, but when you add goggles and a bandana, they become real hams. It’s as if they know what they’re doing and are daring you not to laugh. I’ve seen other types of dogs sitting in sidecars, but the golden retriever seems to own it, particularly if he is dressed properly.

Now, more than ever we need a little silly in our lives. Walking around in a depressed or angry mood can make for some rather deep psychological scars. It is important to now and then do something a little silly thereby lifting the mood of others and ourselves. I believe our friend with the motorcycle is very cognizant of this, which is why the pair take to the streets like Batman and Robin to bring a little cheer to the citizens of our area. We don’t know exactly who the Dynamic Duo are, as their goggles conceal their identity, but they are warmly welcomed wherever they go. It’s a nice little silly that can break the tension regardless of who you are or the problems you are experiencing. For one brief moment, you cannot help by being distracted, thanks to a little silly.

First published: September 14, 2012

Keep the Faith!

Note: All trademarks both marked and unmarked belong to their respective companies.

Tim Bryce is a writer and the Managing Director of M&JB Investment Company (M&JB) of Palm Harbor, Florida and has over 40 years of experience in the management consulting field. He can be reached at timb001@phmainstreet.com

For Tim’s columns, see:   timbryce.com

Like the article? TELL A FRIEND.

Copyright © 2017 by Tim Bryce. All rights reserved.

Also read Tim’s columns in the THE HUFFINGTON POST

NEXT UP:  WHERE DOES YOUR TIME GO? – How it adds up.

LAST TIME:  WHY DO OPPOSITES ATTRACT?  – Good question and something that has puzzled us from time immemorial.

Listen to Tim on WZIG-FM (104.1) in Palm Harbor,FL; Or tune-in to Tim’s channel on YouTube. Click for TIM’S LIBRARY OF AUDIO CLIPS.

 

Posted in humor, Life | Tagged: , , , , | 3 Comments »

EXPLAINING JACK BENNY

Posted by Tim Bryce on April 7, 2017

BRYCE ON COMEDY

– And his lesson of teamwork.

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To use this segment in a Radio broadcast or Podcast, send TIM a request.

Recently, I attended a dinner in downtown St. Petersburg. I invited a young man I knew to accompany me to introduce him to some people for networking purposes. At age 25, he had already finished a hitch in the Army and served in both Iraq and Afghanistan and was now starting his professional career. As we drove home, we discussed the after dinner speaker who had made a reference to Jack Benny, the legendary comedian of yesteryear. My young friend innocently asked, “Who is Jack Benny?”

Not thinking of his age, I said, “You remember, he had his own show for a number of years; had Rochester as his butler, Mel Blank, Dennis Day, Don Wilson, Phil Harris, and his wife, Mary Livingstone; he sold Jello; his car was a Maxwell; ‘Your money or your life’; his basement vault guarded by “Ed,” an ancient sentry; the Si-Sie-Sue bit, etc. Remember?”

“No sir, I’m afraid not,” and he looked at me blankly. It was only then when I realized how young my friend was and how much older I had become. I spent the remainder of our drive home trying to explain Jack Benny to him which I found rather difficult to someone unfamiliar with Jack’s gentle style. Today it is common for comics to be crude, vulgar, and “In your face.” Benny was certainly more refined and presented himself as a gentleman which is something young people have trouble relating to today. His good friend George Burns referred to him as a “Quiet Riot.”

Over the years, Jack cultivated an image as being a spendthrift (cheap), vain, and a pitiful violinist. So much so, his writers had to only suggest a situation and the audience would be conditioned to laugh immediately, as if a button had been pushed. His walk, his ability to stare down someone, and play the dupe for his guests, would naturally result in gales of laughter. It wasn’t “what” Jack said that was funny, it was his persona and his predictable reaction to certain situations, such as picking up a check at a restaurant, purchasing Christmas gifts, guessing his age, or receiving a compliment. To illustrate, Jack’s biggest laugh came on April 25, 1948 when Dorothy Kirsten was the guest on his show, a famous soprano opera star of the day. During the show, his announcer, Don Wilson, strikes up a conversation with Miss Kirsten regarding opera. Listening to them was Jack and Mary Livingstone who played his girlfriend (his wife in real life):

Don Wilson: “Oh, Miss Kirsten, I wanted to tell you that I saw you in “Madame Butterfly” Wednesday afternoon, and I thought your performance was simply magnificent.”

Dorothy Kirsten: “Well, thanks, awfully. It’s awfully nice and kind of you, Mr. Wilson. But, uh, who could help singing Puccini? It’s so expressive. And particularly in the last act, starting with the allegro vivacissimo.”

Don Wilson: “Well, now, that’s being very modest, Miss Kirsten. But not every singer has the necessary bel canto and flexibility or range to cope with the high tessitura of the first act.”

Dorothy Kirsten: “Thank you, Mr. Wilson. And don’t you think that in the aria, “Un bel dì vedremo”, that the strings played the con molto passione exceptionally fine and with great sostenuto?”

Jack Benny: “Well, I thought…”

Mary Livingstone (to Jack): “Oh, shut up!”

This resulted in a huge laugh from the audience, not because of what Jack said, but because the audience was sensitive to his character. During this operatic dissertation, the audience knows Jack has to somehow butt in and add his two cents, but they don’t know how he can possibly contribute to the pretentious conversation, which is why Mary shuts him down immediately. Youth has trouble comprehending this type of humor, probably because it doesn’t exist anymore. When you think about it, Jack is the straight man in this skit and the butt of the joke. By himself he wasn’t funny, but because of his persona, people find such a situation hilarious. Please keep in mind, this was all done on the radio, not on television, that’s how strong his persona was.

The Benny show was in the top ten for a number of years, both on radio and later on television. Jack’s genius was not so much his own personal comedy, but his ability to orchestrate an entire show. It was common for him to afford his guests more laughs than himself, even if he had to be the butt of the joke. He would always heap praise on his writers, his regulars, and everyone else. When asked why he was so generous, he said he didn’t want people to tune in just to see him personally, but rather they should tune in to see “The Benny Show.” He was very cognizant of the power of teamwork in the cutthroat entertainment industry. It wasn’t about him, it was about the show, and Benny laughed all the way to the bank as a result.

Benny had come up the hard way and paid his dues in the entertainment industry. He was one of the few people who had been successful in Vaudeville, radio, television, motion pictures, and the stage, not to mention his music which generated considerable amounts of money for charity.

Jack has been gone for over 42 years now and, without a doubt, comedy has changed considerably since his passing. I can appreciate bawdy humor, but I certainly do not want to be subjected to incessant expletives and vulgarity. There is nothing wrong with a little dignity and class which, frankly, I consider to be more cerebral. That was Jack Benny, a “Quiet Riot.”

Also published in The Huffington Post.

Keep the Faith!

Note: All trademarks both marked and unmarked belong to their respective companies.

Tim Bryce is a writer and the Managing Director of M&JB Investment Company (M&JB) of Palm Harbor, Florida and has over 40 years of experience in the management consulting field. He can be reached at timb001@phmainstreet.com

For Tim’s columns, see:   timbryce.com

Like the article? TELL A FRIEND.

Copyright © 2017 by Tim Bryce. All rights reserved.

Also read Tim’s columns in the THE HUFFINGTON POST

NEXT UP:  THE AMERICAN HEALTH CARE ACT; HERE WE GO AGAIN – It looks like history is going to repeat itself.

LAST TIME:  OH! WHAT A LOVELY WAR  – In just two months, we have gone well beyond just a war of words.

Listen to Tim on WZIG-FM (104.1) in Palm Harbor,FL; KIT-AM (1280) in Yakima, Washington “The Morning News” with hosts Dave Ettl & Lance Tormey (weekdays. 6:00-9:00am Pacific). Or tune-in to Tim’s channel on YouTube. Click for TIM’S LIBRARY OF AUDIO CLIPS.

 

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CLEANING MY SOCK DRAWER

Posted by Tim Bryce on February 10, 2017

BRYCE ON LIFE

– What I found 25 years later or “How to upset the sock gods.”

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To use this segment in a Radio broadcast or Podcast, send TIM a request.

I recently cleaned out my sock drawer. Guys typically don’t like to clean out such drawers and I am no exception. The reason for cleaning it was because I recently bought some new socks and discovered I had trouble stuffing them into the drawer. I believe the last time I did so was 25 years ago when we first bought the dresser.

It’s interesting what you find when cleaning out a sock draw, it is akin to an archaeological dig. I discovered I had over 40 different socks, none of which matched. This got me wondering where their mates were. Perhaps they were consumed by the washing machine or dryer as part of some demonic sacrificial rite. 40+ socks though is a lot and I cannot imagine who would want them or what they would do with them as individual oddities. I always considered my socks unique and do not believe they could be confused for those worn by my children. So there either must be a sock heaven or sock thief loose in the house.

As I picked through the socks in the drawer I was reminded of the many different types and colors I wore over the last quarter century. The oldest ones were long and came way up my shin, almost to the knee. They may seem awkward today but at the time they were comfortable and effective for covering any exposed flesh between the bottom of your trousers and your shoes. I had others with various bands of elastic to hold them up. Some had lost all elasticity and were rather droopy which is probably why I neglected them. By today’s standards, several socks looked rather strange and archaic. I suspect I would look like a spaz wearing them, and probably twenty years ago as well.

Most of the socks were either black, dark brown, or navy blue, but I also had some lighter colors which, in hindsight, probably made me look like a used car salesman. Fortunately, I didn’t have a white belt or shoes to accompany them. I learned my lesson wearing light colored socks and have stayed with darker colors in recent times.

I felt a little guilty cleaning out the drawer. My first inclination was to say, “But what if we finally find the mates?” I also had a fleeting notion they would make good dust rags, but my wife wanted no part of them. Finally, I came to my senses and purged all of the orphans into the garbage can thereby leaving only my new socks in the drawer all neatly paired up. I felt a sense of satisfaction for finally cleaning out something that was well overdue. My satisfaction was short lived though; about two weeks after cleaning out the drawer I happened to notice a new single sock sitting alone without its mate. My guess is that I had upset the sock Gods who demanded another sacrifice, either that or my wife is deliberately trying to drive me insane. Either way, I give up. It will be more than 25 years before I try to clean out a sock drawer again. Maybe some things are best left undone.

Keep the Faith!

Note: All trademarks both marked and unmarked belong to their respective companies.

Tim Bryce is a writer and the Managing Director of M&JB Investment Company (M&JB) of Palm Harbor, Florida and has over 40 years of experience in the management consulting field. He can be reached at timb001@phmainstreet.com

For Tim’s columns, see:   timbryce.com

Like the article? TELL A FRIEND.

Copyright © 2017 by Tim Bryce. All rights reserved.

Also read Tim’s columns in the THE HUFFINGTON POST

NEXT UP:  IN PRAISE OF MENTORING PROGRAMS – Once almost extinct, mentoring programs are making a comeback.

LAST TIME:  WHAT THE MARCH ON WASHINGTON WAS ALL ABOUT  – It is much more than just female rights.

Listen to Tim on News Talk Florida (WWBA 820 AM), WZIG-FM (104.1) in Palm Harbor,FL; KIT-AM (1280) in Yakima, Washington “The Morning News” with hosts Dave Ettl & Lance Tormey (weekdays. 6:00-9:00am Pacific). Or tune-in to Tim’s channel on YouTube. Click for TIM’S LIBRARY OF AUDIO CLIPS.

 

Posted in humor, Life | Tagged: , , , , | 4 Comments »

GREETINGS FROM PLANET NINE

Posted by Tim Bryce on February 26, 2016

BRYCE ON POLITICS

– The new Hollywood.

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To use this segment in a Radio broadcast or Podcast, send TIM a request.

Last month, scientists at the California Institute of Technology claim to have discovered a new planet, temporarily named, “Planet Nine.” This was welcome news since Pluto was downgraded to “dwarf planet” status. Planet Nine is said to be 10 times bigger than Earth, and as the farthest planet in our solar system, it takes approximately 20,000 years to complete one orbit.

In truth, the planet was discovered eight years ago but has been kept secret by developers who are turning it into a luxurious retreat where Hollywood celebrities will be moving following the election of Donald Trump as President in 2016. Insiders claim the new planet will be dubbed “Hollyworld.” and celebrities have already mapped out spacious estates. One developer was quoted as saying the smallest property will make the Ponderosa seem puny.

In addition to homes, a massive media infrastructure is planned so entertainers can continue their work there and is said to include studios for motion pictures, television, radio, music, etc. Although travel to and from the new planet would normally take years using conventional spacecraft, technicians have finally unlocked the secrets of beaming technology as introduced by Gene Roddenberry, the creator of “Star Trek.” This reduces the amount of travel from years to minutes.

The project is a joint venture by Hollywood entertainers and the main street media. It was kept secret so the founders could finalize plans for a new form of government and policies. Breitbart broke the story after stumbling on a planning session at the New York Times. Among the decisions outlined include:

* A massive government infrastructure will control everything. You will not be able to do anything without a permit. As such, it will be the largest employer on the planet, followed by 7-11 clerks. Nonetheless, Civil Servants will run the world.

* There will be no taxes; everyone will be required to turn their assets over to the state for safekeeping and financing the world. This means there will be no theft or burglary, but little in terms of employment as everyone will be classified as wards of the state.

* Energy will be furnished exclusively by solar wind farms. Without petroleum, there will be no pipelines or carbon emissions other than the hot air from the inhabitants. Interestingly, there is a genuine concern for the polar caps melting, even though the planet is the farthest from the sun.

* Guns are not permitted, which explains why there will be a major drug culture on the planet. Meth labs will operate 24/7.

* A complete program of socialized medicine will be available to inhabitants. Everyone will be entitled to free health care, generously paid for by the celebrities. Hospital doctors and nurses will work for the government.

* Illegal immigration will be permitted and will be allowed to vote in elections, as well as those deceased and buried on the planet. It is expected, immigrants will come from Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Mexico, of course.

This social paradise, code named as “Obamanation,” has been under development for six years and will likely be occupied following the presidential election in November. In addition to estates for elite Hollywood celebrities, a major section has been reserved for the Main Street Media, tentatively named “Fantasyland.”

It is expected California Governor Jerry “Moonbeam” Brown will be named the planet’s first “Chief,” a title selected in honor of Native Americans and the Washington NFL franchise. No word yet as to who will fill the seats for the Secretaries of Karma, Inner Consciousness, and Meditation.

In related news, Donald Trump announced a new magnetic beam that is reported to be so strong, it can release a planet from the solar system thereby allowing it to float out into space. Americans eagerly await the first demonstration so that Earth may return to normal.

Also published with News Talk Florida.

Keep the Faith!

Note: All trademarks both marked and unmarked belong to their respective companies.

Tim Bryce is a writer and the Managing Director of M&JB Investment Company (M&JB) of Palm Harbor, Florida and has over 30 years of experience in the management consulting field. He can be reached at timb001@phmainstreet.com

For Tim’s columns, see:   timbryce.com

Like the article? TELL A FRIEND.

Copyright © 2016 by Tim Bryce. All rights reserved.

NEXT UP:  ACQUISITIONS: A BAD SIGN? – Another indicator of the fragile state of our economy.

LAST TIME:  NOBODY THINKS BIG ANYMORE  – particularly in the systems world.

Listen to Tim on WJTN-AM (News Talk 1240) “The Town Square” with host John Siggins (Mon, Wed, Fri, 12:30-3:00pm Eastern); WZIG-FM (104.1) in Palm Harbor,FL; KIT-AM (1280) in Yakima, Washington “The Morning News” with hosts Dave Ettl & Lance Tormey (weekdays. 6:00-9:00am Pacific); and WWBA-AM (News Talk Florida 820). Or tune-in to Tim’s channel on YouTube.

Posted in humor, Politics | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »

MAKE ‘EM LAUGH

Posted by Tim Bryce on December 18, 2015

BRYCE ON HUMOR

– Come on, take a moment out of your day and laugh.

(Click for AUDIO VERSION)
To use this segment in a Radio broadcast or Podcast, send TIM a request.

It occurred to me recently I haven’t seen too many people laughing. As for myself, I cannot remember the last time I fell down howling about something funny, and for those of you who know me personally, you know I love a good joke. Unfortunately, thanks to political correctness, it appears jokes are a thing of the past. Our gloominess may also have something to do with the state of our nation. Even in business, you don’t hear too many people raving about succuss. It seems we are all stuck in a rut and don’t know how to get out of it. I like to believe humor is the distraction we all need in this hour of distress, if for no other reason than to distract us. To this end, I am offering the following list of videos featuring humorous situations which, I hope, will cause you to at least smile. Some are old, and some are new. Either way, I hope you find something amusing in this eclectic set of subjects.

The Fielding Mellish Honeymoon Night – From the movie, “Bananas,” starring Woody Allen and featuring Louise Lasser as his recently married wife. To consummate the marriage, Allen surprises everyone by staging a fight sequence ringside in his bedroom, with Howard Cossell as the sportscaster.

Sam Kinison, Marriage and World Hunger – People from the 1980’s and 90’s will remember wild man Sam who met an unfortunate death in 1992. Kids today, are starting to discover him again. This segment was one of his first performances held at “Dangerfield’s” comedy club. Both of his subjects here are not only hilarious, but also make a valid point.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail, the Bunny Attack Scene – This is from my favorite Python movie, possessing some ot the best sight gags around. In this bit, King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table are traveling in search of the Holy Grail. Here, a guide takes them past a cave which holds great danger.

“The Magic Christian” hunting scene – an avant-garde movie featuring Peter Sellers as Sir Guy Grand, an eccentic British multimillionaire. His adopted sun is played by Ringo Starr. The two participate in a bird hunt in the English countryside with friends, except it turns into something only a multimillionaire could afford.

South Park, The Dog Whisperer – this is one of the most imaginative and avant-garde series on television. This particular episode is a favorite of mine, featuring Cesar Millan, from NATGO’s “The Dog Whisperer.” In this episode, Cesar’s dog training tricks are used to control Cartman.

Johnny Puleo & His Harmonica Gang w/Milton Berle – Held on ABC’s “Hollywood Palace” in 1965, this features the legendary Johnny Puleo in a famous slapstick routine.

Jonathan Winters roast of Johnny Carson – Winters could improvise a situation at the drop of a hat. Here, he portrays an old farm friend of Johnny’s from Nebraska.

Don Rickles & Frank Sinatra on Johnny Carson – Rickles visits Johnny’s set to make fun of Sinatra, only Frank has the last laugh.

Steve Martin, the Great Flydini – a classic magician sketch by Martin on Carson’s Tonight Show.

WC Fields, Honest John – this classic scene demonstrates how well the comedian captivated the attention of his audience simply by playing pool.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog at Star Wars release – From Conan O’Brien’s late night show, Triumph the insult comic dog is puppeteered and voiced by Robert Smigel. Conan has sent him to several unusual venues over the years ripe for his talents. In this segment, he visits a bunch of nerds waiting to attend the premier of a “Star Wars” movie.

Julio Iglesias & Johnny Carson sing – another classic from the Carson library where Johnny impersonates Willie Nelson and joins Julio in a competent duet of, “To All the Girls I Loved Before.”

If one of these segments (can get) got you to smirk, smile, or belly-laugh, than I have accomplished my mission. Go ahead crack a joke, say something politically incorrect, think outside the box. Believe me, you’ll feel better. As the cast of Monty Python said, “We all need a little silly.”

Related article:
“Our Sense of Humor” (Jan 27, 2009)

Keep the Faith!

Note: All trademarks both marked and unmarked belong to their respective companies.

Tim Bryce is a writer and the Managing Director of M&JB Investment Company (M&JB) of Palm Harbor, Florida and has over 30 years of experience in the management consulting field. He can be reached at timb001@phmainstreet.com

For Tim’s columns, see:   timbryce.com

Like the article? TELL A FRIEND.

Copyright © 2015 by Tim Bryce. All rights reserved.

NEXT UP:  2015 YEAR-END WRAP-UP – My most popular columns this year.

LAST TIME:  OUR GROWING IMMIGRATION PROBLEM  – And what should we do about it?

Listen to Tim on WJTN-AM (News Talk 1240) “The Town Square” with host John Siggins (Mon, Wed, Fri, 12:30-3:00pm Eastern); WZIG-FM (104.1) in Palm Harbor,FL; and KIT-AM 1280 in Yakima, Washington “The Morning News” with hosts Dave Ettl & Lance Tormey (weekdays. 6:00-9:00am Pacific). Or tune-in to Tim’s channel on YouTube.

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WHY OLDSTERS ARE MEAN

Posted by Tim Bryce on September 18, 2015

BRYCE ON SENIORS

– And, No, we’re not like this all the time.

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To use this segment in a Radio broadcast or Podcast, send TIM a request.

There is a general stereotype of senior citizens in this country whereby they are commonly described as either mean, cantankerous, grumpy, crotchety, irritable, impatient, sour, aloof or acerbic. There are reasons for this, most of which are caused by changing physical conditions. Allow me to explain.

As youngsters, it wasn’t uncommon for us to run around and bump into things, thereby causing a cut or scrape, but as we get older we seem to develop a magnetic attraction for bumping into things or stubbing our toes, resulting in a massive bruise the size of Peru. This is probably due to the blood thinners doctors prescribe to prevent strokes and heart attacks.

We also tend to suffer from a litany of body aches in our muscles and skeleton. It is not uncommon for lower back pain to develop or arthritis to take its toll on us, causing us to make an Advil milkshake after working in the yard. Want to really scare a senior? Just sneak up behind them and shout, “Shingles!” Weight also plays a role in our pains as we find it difficult to shed the pounds like we could in our youth. As a standard rule, if you cannot fit into a seat on an airplane, maybe its time to cut out the country fried steak and gravy.

While we’re on it, isn’t it amazing the plethora of pills doctors prescribe for seniors? Some people are required to take handfuls of pills just to make it through the day. After a while you start to think of yourself as a walking chemistry experiment. No, seniors do not want to do as the drug commercial’s suggest and, “Ask your doctor.” I am particularly fascinated how elders have embraced “sexual enhancement” drugs like Viagra and Cialis. Prior to their introduction, I never realized there was even a problem. I guess you would be mean too if you couldn’t “perform,” not to mention the feelings of your female partner.

It is not uncommon to develop hearing problems, due in large part to the head-banging loud music we listened to in our youth (thanks Led Zeppelin). We then start to wear hearing aids which we try to cleverly hide behind our hair or under a hat. Without them, we smile a lot, nod our heads, and pretend to know what people are saying around us.

In terms of eyesight, we may have had Lasik surgery to overcome cataracts and astigmatism, but we still find it difficult to read small fonts, particularly when working crossword puzzles. Cheater eyeglasses are helpful to avoid squinting, but you always keep a magnifying glass within reach.

Hair is important to both sexes. For men, as we start to lose it on our heads, it starts growing where it is not supposed to, such as ears, eyebrows, noses, and, Yes, elsewhere. Women become very concerned with the color of their hair. Some have noticed people treat them differently based on their color. A gray or silver haired woman is treated differently by the public than if they were a blonde, brunette, or redhead. Not surprising, they develop strong attachments to their beauticians.

Then there is the matter of peeing. In our younger days, we could sleep through the night regardless of the amount of beer or wine we drank. Not anymore. Now it is common to get up once, twice, even three times at night to relieve ourselves. Of course, it doesn’t help when we continue to get a drink of water or juice in the middle of the night. Some people are gluttons for punishment. Sleep deprivation obviously affects our mood.

These physical nuances play on the nerves of older people, but there are other elements which affect their temperament; for example:

We begin to notice we are becoming forgetful. Suddenly the names of old friends are hard to remember, as is remembering the titles of books, movies and music. House and car keys seem to mysteriously disappear and are found in unlikely places, such as the bathroom, a sock drawer, refrigerator, between the cracks in a sofa, or even worse, the ignition of a car. It is not uncommon for people to become unglued when they cannot find their keys, their wallet, or their purse.

As you get older you sense you are being taken for granted and, even worse, being targeted for various scams by robo-callers from Asia and Africa. “No, my computer is just fine,” I tell them, “and, No, I do not want to give you my social security number or bank account number so you can deposit a bazillion dollars into it. Get lost!”

These scams are very disturbing as smooth talking con artists find a way to prey on the innocent. Even when you demand they take you off of their calling list, they do not.

Want a fun way to get rid of such parasites? Use a foreign accent; the stranger the better. I like to use a heavy Swedish accent when I talk to such huckleberries. When I get such a call, I put down the phone and start speaking loudly, “Ya Ma, de man on de phone here says ve have a problem with our computer; that it has a bug and is infected, Ya. Jumpin Jiminy what are ve going to do? Ya Ma, you’re a right. Here, you hold the computer and I’ll spray it with de bug juice. Wow, dat was a close one.” By the time I return to the phone, the caller is long gone.

Finally, seniors suffer with the anxiety of change. Even the slightest thing seems to set them off, particularly if you alter the time they eat dinner. They believe they have a sense of humor, but do not comprehend the humor, music, fashion or movies of the day, considering all of it vulgar. Technology often pushes them over the edge. It’s a bit disconcerting for them to rely on their three year old grandson to program the television set or show them how to use a smart phone. Keep in mind, as we grow older we become more set in our ways; we know what works and what doesn’t, and any departure from this, large or small, throws us for a loop.

The next time you find a senior is a little mean or cantankerous, you now know what is causing them to act as such. Their only solace is knowing the next generation will have to follow in their footsteps and face the same problems. Misery loves company.

Keep the Faith!

Note: All trademarks both marked and unmarked belong to their respective companies.

Tim Bryce is a writer and the Managing Director of M&JB Investment Company (M&JB) of Palm Harbor, Florida and has over 30 years of experience in the management consulting field. He can be reached at timb001@phmainstreet.com

For Tim’s columns, see:   timbryce.com

Like the article? TELL A FRIEND.

Copyright © 2015 by Tim Bryce. All rights reserved.

NEXT UP:  THE DANGERS OF MAKING A REFERRAL – Be careful what you say.

LAST TIME:  HOLDING A JOB HOSTAGE  – How programmers do it, but why does management accept it?

Listen to Tim on WJTN-AM (News Talk 1240) “The Town Square” with host John Siggins (Mon, Wed, Fri, 12:30-3:00pm Eastern); WZIG-FM (104.1) in Palm Harbor,FL; and KIT-AM 1280 in Yakima, Washington “The Morning News” with hosts Dave Ettl & Lance Tormey (weekdays. 6:00-9:00am Pacific). Or tune-in to Tim’s channel on YouTube.

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JUST PLAIN WEIRD

Posted by Tim Bryce on June 26, 2015

BRYCE ON LIFE

– Some obscure observations on the mysteries of life.

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To use this segment in a Radio broadcast or Podcast, send TIM a request.

I have always found the little nuances of life to be bewildering. You know, things we tend to overlook or take for granted. Yet, when you examine them closely, you wonder why there are the way they are. For example, have you ever noticed the “cups” marked on a coffee pot? Mine shows twelve, but I can barely get six cups of coffee out of them. Maybe the manufacturer doesn’t have the same interpretation of “cup” that I have or the pots are designed for Munchkins. Then again, most of these pots are made in China.

I’m always amazed by the numerous amounts of “spam” e-mails I receive on a daily basis. No matter how many “junk” filters I add, I still receive four times more garbage than regular mail, but I guess this is essentially no different when we were receiving regular mail through the post office. I find it particularly annoying when I receive an e-mail from a stranger stating, “I’m doing great and miss seeing you! Let’s get together and get updated!” You then rack your brain wondering if it is legitimate and, of course, it isn’t.

Do squirrels poop? I’ve never seen it. I’ve seen just about every other animal defecate, be it birds, dogs, cats, even fish, but never squirrels. Maybe they store it away with their nuts.

I hate it when belts no longer work. Young men may like to show their underwear. I, for one, do not. As we get older, our body changes. In my case, I have lost weight and find it embarrassing when the pants begin to fall off my waist, particularly in the company of others. Constantly pulling up your pants may be indicative you have a bladder or bowel problem. I don’t, just a hard time keeping the pants up. Maybe it’s time for suspenders.

I have always thought golf should be played by speed, kind of like croquet or polo on steroids. You win by a combination of strokes and time. At least it would make the game more interesting than it currently is.

As I grow older, I have more difficulty understanding what young people say. For example, I am at a loss as to when they text such words as “On fleek,” “YOLD,” “Bae,” “Turnt up,” and “Dat Ass Doe.” I suspect I really do not want to know. Maybe English is morphing into another language altogether.

Have I ever mentioned how much I detest MS Windoze? It interrupted me twice this morning installing updates and re-configuring my register; all rather slowly I might add. Plus, I am sick of having to use the “three finger salute” (Ctrl+Alt+Del) on a daily basis. If this is “State of the Art,” we’re in big trouble.

Whenever you find yourself liking something, science suddenly steps in and condemns it. Of course, years later, they retract their condemnation and say it was all a mistake, but never apologize for it. I’m still waiting for scientists to renege on tobacco.

What demented souls write crossword puzzles? Instead of a single word to match a clue, they now use multiple words in an answer, usually to form a vague quotation. The puzzlers like to reference geography, but I still do not know where the Cardiff River is located. How about something in the United States? And I really do not care to know the country where “Quechua” is the official language. They also like to reference obscure authors, poets, movie directors, and singers, as if we would really know the identity of these people. I generally do well with clues involving Roman numerals, but I pity those who were never taught this in grade school.

Crossword puzzles seem to get progressively harder as the week goes on. This means we have to waste more time solving them. The only benefit I see from working on these puzzles, it forces you to learn how to use a dictionary and thesaurus. Thank God for Internet crossword solvers, such as Wordplays.com. I believe the reason why most crossword puzzles do not bear the puzzler’s name, is because people would hunt them down and kill them like the dogs they are.

Keep the Faith!

Note: All trademarks both marked and unmarked belong to their respective companies.

Tim Bryce is a writer and the Managing Director of M&JB Investment Company (M&JB) of Palm Harbor, Florida and has over 30 years of experience in the management consulting field. He can be reached at timb001@phmainstreet.com

For Tim’s columns, see:   timbryce.com

Like the article? TELL A FRIEND.

Copyright © 2015 by Tim Bryce. All rights reserved.

NEXT UP:  THE JACKSON/TUBMAN DEBATE – Which face belongs on the twenty dollar bill?

LAST TIME:  TECHNOLOGY’S EFFECT ON SOCIETY  – Technology is an effective tool for civil unrest and war.

Listen to Tim on WJTN-AM (News Talk 1240) “The Town Square” with host John Siggins (Mon, Wed, Fri, 12:30-3:00pm Eastern); WZIG-FM (104.1) in Palm Harbor,FL; and KIT-AM 1280 in Yakima, Washington “The Morning News” with hosts Dave Ettl & Lance Tormey (weekdays. 6:00-9:00am Pacific). Or tune-in to Tim’s channel on YouTube.

Posted in humor, Life | Tagged: , , , , | 4 Comments »

 
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